livin' on the z-train

about the miscarriage

2011-03-02T08:38:00.002+08:00

I have decided to write about a few things relating the miscarriage I experienced last month. I have this idea that my words and thoughts might encourage someone else who has been through a similar experience.

Matthew and I feel that the Father has put us in a position where we live our lives rather in the public eye. Sometimes that is hard. Sometimes, though, it gives us freedom to express things in a way other people only wish they could. Maybe some of you have experienced the pain of miscarriage, and not been able to share it. I write this especially for you.

Disclaimer. This is a LOOOOOOONG and emotional post. But I am not forcing you to read it so don’t whine about it, ok?!!!

For clarity, I am going to refer to the baby as “he”, despite not actually knowing the gender for fact!

Matt and I shared the news of my pregnancy early, when I was about 4 weeks into it. We had “planned” this baby, and felt that the Lord had spoken to us about when and where he would join our family. Of course, we never imagined that we would never know this baby on earth.

I miscarried at 9 weeks. So the baby was only about 1 inch long. It was a fast, whole miscarriage and I held him in my palm, oh-so-perfect, this little one. Fingers, toes, perfect little cord that had given him life while he was inside my womb. Matt and I had watched him swimming and playing on a huge screen just that morning. We feel so honored to have had the chance to see him while he was alive.

My initial response was GRIEF. Sadness that ripped my body apart.

I did not feel anger toward God. I had fully expected I would. Instead, I was angry at China, angry at the incompetent doctors I had seen. I wondered if environmental conditions, or the water I drink had contributed to this miscarriage.

I was afraid, because I knew I had this giant LUMP inside me, and had no idea what it was.
I felt guilty, because I had been such a cranky, sick, first trimester mama. I wondered if I was going through this because I wasn’t “worthy” to be a mom again.

As my body became suddenly not pregnant, I felt guilty, because I was really enjoying being able to eat food again, without feeling sick. And I was really enjoying the taste of coffee after 2 months of it making me puke!

Two weeks after the surgery, when we were home in Kunming, Matt decided I needed to get away for a few days. I wanted to get away as well. I wanted to confront my feelings and emotions head-on. I wanted to wrestle with God, I wanted to ask Him my questions, and get some answers, or even just some peace.

While at the hotel, I read the word. I listened to sermons from Bethel and IHOP. I listened to my playlist of “feel good songs” and my playlist of “Jesus” songs. I yelled and cried and told Him everything.

The two big breakthroughs I had were these.

First. There was a specific image in my mind that was setting me off into a vortex of grief and pain every time it came to mind. I described it to my Father, and asked Him to help me find a way to handle that memory.

These are the things He reminded me of… but in such a way, it was as though I was being told for the first time.

“My Son died in a flood of blood, just like yours”

“My Son was in me, and a part of me, and ‘supposed’ to be safe, just like yours”

“I loved my Son, I knew Him for eternity. I knew Him for 30 years on earth. If you loved your child so much after only 9 weeks, imagine how much I loved mine! I know exactly how you feel”

Those three things sound so elementary, so fundamental to my faith, it is hard for me to fully explain how profound they are to me right now. And how completely they healed me. Every time I recall that image, that memory, I smile with joy for knowing that He knows how I feel.

He understands. And that makes it ok.

Second. One of my dominate emotions was of feeling totally ungrounded. Like I was riding a roller coaster with no end in sight. I feared I would end up like that forever, and “wimp out” on the whole living and working overseas thing.

I listened to a sermon from Jason Ma. In it he used an analogy of being on a ship in the ocean. He spoke of the consuming, and mind-numbing seasickness he experienced his first time on the ocean.

He described how his uncle put his arm around him, and suggested he focus his eyes on a mountain that hung over the horizon. As he focused on the mountain, the seasickness gradually faded away. As long as he kept his eyes on the mountain, he didn’t feel like he was going crazy. He didn’t throw up. Everything was ok.

In the same way, Jesus is my mountain. He is my constant. When I focus on Him, the crazy lady in my head fades away. My fears seem oh-so-much-less consuming. China isn’t so scary, and my life seems manageable.

Oh my GOD. My constant. The One Who really Understands me.

The smile on my face when you see me around town is real. The pain that still occasionally stabs me is real. The joy that grows out of my thankfulness and Father-given peace is real. Who HE is, and how HE loves, is real.

signs on my body that they were here

2011-02-03T20:56:00.004+08:00

My sister Rachel and I often joke on skype about the cosmetic surgery we are going to do someday. When we are all done having children, we tell each other, we are going to be lifting, tucking, scrambling to re-capture our youth. And then we grimace at each other, and start laughing our heads off. Because, really, when are two knife-shy old ladies with better things to do going to make cosmetic surgery a priority?!!

I tell you what though. Even if I had a fairy godmother at hand, ready to lift and tuck to my heart’s desire, there are a few things I would never change.

The stretch marks my first daughter gave me. I hadn’t even ONE, on the day I went into labor. But after 48 hours of active labor, when I begged for the epidural, my legs swelled so much from the drugs that I got my first stretch marks. They speak to me of perseverance, and the faithfulness of my Father to get me through scary times.

The little lines that came with my second daughter, as I traveled to a new country. When I started my life over in China. As the Father healed the scars on my heart by giving me a beautiful, and satisfying natural birth experience.

And the sign that this, my third baby, really was here. I almost feel lucky, that I have a physical reminder of his life. The pink, thin line below my bellybutton. Witness to the bad thing taken out of me, the cyst that my baby pointed out. I think it is pretty amazing that at 9 weeks old, unborn, and perfect, he maybe saved his mama’s life.

These lines, bumps, and scars are the sign of an amazing thing. A body designed for miracles. It blows my mind!

So… Rachel, maybe instead of a vaca where we lift and tuck, you and I can just escape to a beach in Brazil when we are done having kids?

P.S. For the record, Matt says he wouldn't be opposed to making a LITTLE lifting and tucking a priority

A Good Way

2011-02-03T12:23:00.003+08:00

“Let’s see, dear God, I want to tell you, in a brand new way

‘I love you!’ But I cannot think of anything to say.

I know, dear God! I will run and do something for someone, and then when you see me doing it, of course You’ll understand!”

-Mary Dixon Thayer

Matthew was gone for a long time yesterday. He took Zoe with him, and headed out into a village to sign the lease on our new children’s home. It was supposed to take a couple hours, but stretched, (not surprisingly) into 6 hours!

While he was gone, Esther and I were able to catch up on some much-needed cuddling that we have missed during the excitement of the last week and a half.

I lay in bed, and propped a pillow over my lap to protect my healing incision from a loving 2 year-olds elbows. I arranged other pillows into a “nest”. She brought her “nay nay”, (pacifier) and blankey, along with a large pile of books. We read for an hour, just the two of us. I don’t know if that has EVER happened.

One of the books she brought me was a Little Golden Book… “Prayers for Children”.

The verse above caught my eye, and made me think of the second week of this New Year.

ALL of us got sick with the flu. At least it happened in the staggered formation that gave me time to nurse everyone before I was laid out by the vomiting. First Matt… then Esther. Just as things were starting to look up, Zoe and Andrew started throwing up. Our living room was a disaster zone. I had a shower curtain spread out, with a sheet on top of it for Zoe. Then, when she would miss her bucket, I could just wrap up the sheet, throw it on the porch, and get out a new sheet!

As for me, I wasn’t sure where morning sickness ended, and the flu started. It was just DAYS and NIGHTS of stink and diapers and YUCK! I know mothers and fathers all over the world go through this, so seriously, I am not complaining. But you know how it is if you are a parent, you just DO what you gotta do!

One night, toward the end of the onslaught, I had just finished a diarrhea diaper clean-up in the bathtub on a certain 2 year old, and was greeted by the 4th of the day from little Andrew. Now, I am just going to be honest here. It was REALLY starting to gross me out. For your own child, you have a certain amount of grace that the Father gives you when they are sick. Love pulls you through when your mind just wants to give up.

As much as I love him, I don’t FEEL like Andrew is “mine”, I know, in the deepest of my heart, that he already belongs to someone else…

Anyway, there I was, hanging over the bathtub, sick to my stomach, rinsing the filth from the rear of this tiny, crying little guy. “I DON’T LIKE THIS” I yelled, at no one in particular. (I guess I just needed to say it). And I thought about his parents, somewhere out there, WAITING FOR HIM. Loving him, and wondering if he is ok. And the tears came. And I know he is just in a million who are waiting. I know it is just a drop in the bucket of need. But for you, his mommy and his daddy, wherever you are, I will wash his bottom, I thought. I will love him, until you get to.

So, I wrapped him in one of our last clean towels, and I told him I was sorry I was such a poor excuse for a mama, and that SOMEWHERE, his mommy and daddy can’t WAIT to wash his little bum! But until they get the chance, we gotcha covered, little dude.

“Let’s see, dear God, I want to tell you, in a brand new way

‘I love you!’ But I cannot think of anything to say.

I know, dear God! I will run and do something for someone, and then when you see me doing it, of course You’ll understand!”

The Story of Baby Andrew (JUST THE FACTS)

2010-12-07T12:21:00.002+08:00

(for those of you who like all the emotional stuff, see following post)

On Thursday, December 2nd, I was at home, wondering what in the world I was going to do with my 4 and 2 year old that afternoon. Matt had been gone for a few days, and I was looking forward to him checking in that day… a little adult, ENGLISH conversation with your best friend goes a LONG ways!

When he called, the first thing he said was, “go check your email”. Being the ever-suspicious wife of a man who has a new idea every 5 minutes, I told him to tell my WHY first.

There was this little Dude Matt had fallen in love with at a foster home he was visiting. The child had turned 1 year old that day, but look more like a 7 or 8 month old. When Matt walked into the room, the little guy started waving, laughing and singing to Matt. After asking around, it turned out there was not really enough room for him at that foster home, and everyone would be thrilled if we could take him away for a few months and give him some extra attention and love.

We had been thinking about fostering for quite some time, and felt that when the time came, we would KNOW. It turns out, we did know. After giving me all the details, I told Matt I needed 10 minutes alone to talk to the Father.

And the next day, Matt hopped on a plane, and brought him home!

His English name is Andrew, and his little brain is perfect. He watches everything and is involved in everything going on around him. He has only 1 pinky on one hand, and the other hand is fine. His toes and legs need some attention, and later on, in his adoptive family, he will need some surgeries. Because he has spent so long in an institution, he cannot sit up, push up, or do most things a typical baby would do at 1 year.

Soon he will go on to be adopted internationally, and we are looking forward to him having his own family for keeps. But for now, we will be working on building his muscles and abilities, and giving him lots of love.

We are not able to adopt yet from China. For no other reason than that we both have to be 30 years old. And one of us is NOT yet 30 ☺ We know it will be hard to let him go later, but we DO understand how this works, and we do not have delusions about the end result.

He is the happiest baby I have ever met. He laughs, and sings, and smiles. He obviously does not appreciate a dirty diaper, or being hungry, but for the most part he never cries. We are blessed indeed.

You can pray that we all find joy in loving him, that we are united as a family, and that our girls have understanding beyond their years about this boy. We want them to have no fear or misunderstandings about what we are doing with Andrew. Pray that he grows healthy, and stronger than ever while he is with us.

Baby Andrew (What Matt calls the GIRLY EMOTIONAL STORY)

2010-12-07T12:18:00.002+08:00

On Thursday, December 2nd, I was at home, wondering what in the world I was going to do with my 4 and 2 year old that afternoon. Daddy had been gone for 4 days, with a 2 day trip preceding this trip, and I was recovering from a cold and Thanksgiving.

I was psyching myself up for some fabulous romp on the playground, reminding myself of all the reasons I wasn’t going to let my kids watch TV all day.

I had been waiting all day to hear from Matthew. He was having a great time, and I was having a great attitude, but being alone with the munchkins and no best friend gets old fast.

The call finally came around 4, and the girls were jumping all over me, screaming to talk to daddy, so I put on the ever faithful sesame street and told Matthew he had my full attention. I was glad I did not obey his command to check my email as soon as he got on the phone. If I had, my emotions would have gotten even MORE confused by the story he started to tell me. The abbreviated version follows below. (this was the picture in my inbox)

M: So, how ‘bout I bring a baby home tomorrow?
H: WHAT?!!!
M: I met this cute baby and they said I could bring him home tomorrow!
H: NO! you can NOT bring a baby home
M: well, just let me tell you about him… no pressure
H: right.
M: blah blah blah, he goes on to tell me all about the baby
H: is he going to be adopted?
M: Yes
H: soon?
M: hopefully
H: does he honestly need us? Even for a short time?
M: yes
H: it is going to cost a LOT extra, formula, diapers…
M: Whatever. There is always enough
H: I am a TeRRIBLE mom. He does NOT deserve to live here with me…. Crying
M: why don’t you just go ask Father about it? If you say no, that is ok
H: when do they need to know?
M: um, like, um, 15 minutes
H: wow. Ok. I am going to go in my room and talk to Father

In my room, screaming, crying at Father. (very glad my girls are engrossed in Elmo’s latest adventure) What should we DO?

“I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat. I was homeless, and you invited me in…”

Me, to Him “but I am a TERRIBLE mother! I will ruin his life! He will be so scarred. My girls…”

“I give you everything you need to parent Zoe and Esther. I can give you everything you need to parent Andrew, too”

Me, “really REALLY? You will give me EVERYTHING I need?”

“everything”

I stop crying, smile, and start thinking about all the things we need to do to get ready. Diapers to buy, doctor appointments to make… boy clothes to round up.

I call Matt, and say, “bring him home”. All right he says, I have to go, I will let you know when we arrive at the airport.

I stare at my daughters. I think about a house full of pink. I calculate diapers, I guess how big he will be. I call a few friends with boys, and they tell me they will look through their clothes and see what I can borrow. I freak out. I thank the Father that I know how to hear His voice. I thank Him that I can be confident in His promises.

The girls and I get on the motorcycle and head to Pizza Hut for a celebration dinner, and I am shaking like I drank 10 cups of coffee or am drunk. We head to Walmart and pick up a case of diapers that will end up being WAY to big for the little guy.

And we go home. Get ready for bed, and dream about tomorrow.

Holiday Memories, and My Girls

2010-11-22T22:21:00.005+08:00

Here it is, Thanksgiving week, and I am still trying to formulate these thoughts into a coherent blog post. Bear with me. Or is it bare with me? Beer with me? Hmm, I am sure one of you genius home schoolers will tell me.

As “the Holidays” are rolling in, so are a 101 of my memories, ideas, and insecurities.

For instance, we bought recently our first ever fake Christmas tree. Horror, mingled with excitement, mingled with desperation were welling up in both me and my husband. Born and bred Oregonians, going to a huge, semi-clean shopping center, buying a FAKE Christmas tree?! Can this be HAPPENING?

My personal Christmas tree memories involve slogging through mud, or maybe even through snow on a good year. For SURE my memories include a long walk back to the truck/15 passenger Dodge Ram van while pouting that my parents did not pick the tree I wanted… some years, a trip to the mountains for a wild, mangled-looking evergreen that would NEVER look quite right.

And, every Thanksgiving of my life has had a pecan pie. Call my lazy for not looking hard enough, if you want, but for the LIFE of me I haven’t seen a single pecan since I moved here. And I didn’t bother bringing them with me to China because it never occurred to me that there wouldn’t be pecans on every shelf at Thanksgiving time. Hah!

I think about nights that I feel asleep in the back of our VW van, (these were the early years, when there were only 5 or so children in my family) on our way home from my Grandparent’s home in the mountains. Winding our way down the mountain roads in the dark, watching for deer, confident in my dad’s super-human driving skills, until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.

ALWAYS, my dominant memories are of the security in tradition, in routine. Of being loved, and most of all, of being SAFE with my parents.

I feel sad, or even angry on occasion, that my children are not safe coming home late at night. That they are careening down dimly lit roads on a motorcycle, barely missing being hit by cars going the wrong way without head lights. I feel irritated, that they are not going to munching pecan pie this Thanksgiving, or cutting down a real, living tree that we will smell in our living room for the next month.

BUT, last week, we were on our way home from something, “late” at night, (maybe 9pm?) and I was holding Esther in my arms in the back seat of our motorcycle. Matt was driving. We were all quiet, and there was a full moon.

Esther was laying back in my arms, face turned up to the sky, completely relaxed. She was singing a song about seeing the moon under her breath.

I looked under my arm at Zoe. And to my surprise, she was asleep! She had somehow wiggled her rather long, 4 year old body down to get her head (in it’s helmet) onto my squishy belly, and flung her feet up over the side of the back rest. She was smiling in her sleep, and she hadn’t a care in the world. Daddy was at the wheel, Mommy had Esther, and it was late at night and we were going HOME. Her home.

We were going home, and in the morning, she might not be eating pecans, but she’d be dumping fresh strawberries on her granola! Her Autumn memories will be a jumble of real pumpkins, leaves we made out of crayon shavings, and fresh strawberries!

And once again, it hit me like the wind, the voice of my Father, “This is HER childhood! These are THEIR memories! They have traditions, and routines, and feel loved… and look at that little girl, she feels safe!”

I am thinking a lot about something sis-in-law Heather mentioned to me once, how my children’s memories are their own, and just as beautiful and life-shaping in their difference from my memories, as mine are from my mother’s.

How blessed are my children. To live in a land not their own. To see their heavenly Father provide for them each day in unique and amazing ways not possible in America. How blessed they are, to eat fresh strawberries when everyone else in America is making do with apples. How blessed they are, to have no fear on the motorcycle, and to come home to a warm home that Daddy and Mommy have made their own. How blessed they are, to be safe, along with Mommy and Daddy, right in the will of their Creator?!

So here is a big hurrah for a Thanksgiving and Christmas season full of old traditions, and new. Full of memories all their own. Full of their home, if not the one I have always thought of as mine.

I love you, Zoe and Esther. I am proud of you, and you are headed into the best Christmas of your life!

Here are a few photos, looking back :)

Zoe October 2006

North Carolina

Zoe and Esther October 2009

Georgia

Esther and Zoe October 2010

China

Ziebar/Ray/Barros Christmas 2005

5 months pregnant with Zoe

Oregon

Ziebart Family Christmas Tree 2009

Oregon

Ziebart Family Christmas Tree 2010

China

On Spitting/or being TOO accustomed to a different culture

2010-11-20T16:12:00.001+08:00

PRE-SCRIPT: in the event described below, no one other than the author’s own sensibilities were offended.

Spitting in a national past-time. It is culturally acceptable in a variety of situations. Say, at your average restaurant when you have something in your mouth you don’t want to swallow. If it is morning, and you are riding the bus to work and have a gigantic wad of phlegm just begging to be released… and so forth and so on.

We were driving our friend’s car home the other day, after going on a family outing. I cheerfully sat in the front seat, peeling small mandarin oranges for the girls to eat in the back seat. I noticed the sign for “Construction Bank of China” across the next intersection and hollered at Matt to pull over so I could withdraw some cash.

I hopped out of the seat, wallet in one hand, a peeled orange in the other, happily humming the song we had just been listening to in the car. (something about “do to others, DO to others, as you would HAVE THEM DO TO YOU”)

I waited in line for my turn at the machine. Munching little orange sections.

Spitting the seeds out on the floor of the bank, without a thought.

Not a glance my direction from the guard, the business man in front of me, or the average looking girl at the machine next to me who was in the process of shooting a “snot rocket” onto the floor.

I stepped up to the machine, and caught my reflection in the little mirror you can use to watch people behind you.

I took a second look.

Had I just spit an orange seed onto the FLOOR OF THE BANK????!!!!

I looked at the floor.

I HAD.

Horrors. I looked behind me and saw a trail of about 5 seeds.

They were all mine.

I soberly spit my remaining 2 seeds into a Kleenex I found in my pocket, withdrew my money. And turned silently toward the car.

notes on a not-so-great week

2010-11-15T21:51:00.002+08:00

Man, it has been a while since I felt this physically tired!! My body is twitching and tweaking after a good, looooooong workout. I just polished off a banana and peanut butter. I am not crazy about Skippy PB, but that is the only kind sold here, and I DO realize it is a marvelous treat to live in a country where it is available… so on the rare occasion that I want a little PB, I eat it with a glad heart!

Every Monday night I am leading a Zumba-style dance workout with a few friends. I say Zumba-style because I am NOT a teacher, and I certainly never got certified or whatever to teach it. HOWEVER, I learned all the routines on my OFFICIAL Zumba DVDs, and as I am DYING for community in my quest to be fit, I got a few (5) of my girlfriends to come do it with me! It is rather fun, and rather a time of laughter. Especially when I start shaking my booty.

Anyway. Last week was a BLAH week. A NOT great weekend. And by not great, I mean it was a DISASTER. For me. Everyone else was fine. It seemed like everything I was trying to do, or get done, failed miserably. When it seems like everything is just going wrong anyway, it is really hard to keep up the motivation to continue giving 100% to whatever it is that needs to be done. I didn’t get in enough study time, water was out for a few days, kitchen lights were out for a week, (I sort of felt like I was camping on the 27^th floor) I lost all track of emails, Esther is most certainly not even one step closer to being potty trained. You get the picture.

In these moments, I want to revert to 14 years old. Blame everyone around me. Concoct reasons why I am a victim. Tell myself my life would be perfect if I did not live here… All of these things I want to tell myself are total baloney. “It” (the problem) really ISN’T any one else’s fault. I am most certainly not a victim. My life will NEVER be perfect…

In reality, people around me screw up. But I am guessing I screw up more than they. I have never been willing or able to be the victim. I will poke your eyes out if you attack me. Or worse. But I don’t need to get that graphic, now, do I? My life is perfectly suited for me. Perfectly challenging. Perfectly colored. Perfectly awful, and then, 2 seconds later, perfectly magical.

I plan to wake up tomorrow a half hour before my girls, and give myself a chance to screw my head on straight. Give myself a chance to be hopeful about the day, and expect GOOD things. Maybe do a little review of the thing I know about life that are TRUE!!!

Goodnight!

P.S. Thank you everyone who is signing up to sell our Mary and Baby J Christmas tree ornaments! That was a huge leap of faith for us and we are SO encouraged by your hearty response!

"girls sure do cry a lot"

2010-09-09T15:12:00.002+08:00

Zoe and Esther cry about EVERYTHING. If I say, “lets put on our shoes” they look at me and cry. If oh, say, a flower they picked starts to wilt, they cry. Matt is totally appalled by this behavior, and I keep telling him that they are just girls, they are just different, that’s all. He is convinced they need medical attention, perhaps some hormone therapy or something.

After the event I am about to relate to you, he finally believes me.

Our friends were having lunch with us last Sunday, and the adults were talking on the balcony, kids running around like animals having a blast. I got up to check on something, and discovered Zoe and her 6 year old friend Elijah had put the guinea pig in the kids potty chair, after nearly drowning it in the sink.

I told her that she ONLY gets to give the pig a bath with mom’s help, because it would be easy for him to drown. I put the pig away, run to check the cookies in the oven and ignore her winding up for a good cry.

Matt overheard this:

Zoe: CRYING

Elijah (middle of 3 boys): Uh, Zoe, why are you crying?

Zoe: cause, hiccup, Mommy said, hiccup, no giving my guinea pig a bath, hiccup hiccup SOB.

Elijah: (in total disbelief) So, youre, uh, CRYING?!

Zoe: yeah, hiccup hiccup SOB, it makes me SAD! SOB

Elijah: you shouldn’t cry about that Zoe. Its stupid.

Zoe: (drying up instantly) oh, ok.

2 seconds later, screams of laughter and fun as they chase each other around the house again.

Moral of the story? We need to hang out with boys more often.

On Missing

2010-09-09T14:56:00.002+08:00

Not exactly a rant, but an expression.

Last night, Matt was watching some old home movies from 2007 with our daughters, and I walked through as they got to the part where my sister Rachel arrived at the Portland airport with little Bella from Brazil. I think Bella must have been about 10 months… anyway, one glance at that tv screen, and I start bawling. I mean, I THINK about Rachel, and her pregnant belly, and I start bawling. I see my sister-in-law post something totally harmless on FaceBook about her latest home schooling adventure, and I start crying. It is really ridiculous. I SWEAR, I am not depressed. I am busy, I am growing, I am being productive. But I HATE HATE HATE being away from the ones I love. This is NOT how it is supposed to be.

It has only been 9 months since I was with them, but still…

I think about how, 10 years ago, I would get so excited about meeting new people, going to new places. You know what? As much as I still love that, I DREAM of seeing OLD people, and going to OLD places. I want to wrap my heart in Oregon, in Seattle, in the Carolina’s, and wear them like a blanket until I don’t ache anymore. I want to soak in the familiar things until my mind stops rushing around, until my shoulders relax again.

I want to smell the pacific northwest, and get smoke in my eyes from a campfire while my little sisters make inside jokes I just don’t get!

China is going to be those things to my children, the familiar, the comforting, the expected. Home. The context for their memories of safety, and fun. It is actually very hard for me to accept that. I almost want them to feel as alien and alone as I do! Part of me WANTS them to miss the food, the smells, the culture of America the way I do! Isn’t that ridiculous?! Sometimes I am afraid of staying here, because it is hard for me to believe that they REALLY, TRULY, will be just fine here!

I miss you, dearest of friends, who have known me since before I knew who I was.

I miss you, mama, who always has a million things to do, but stops and listens to the same complaints and fears come out of my mouth that you had 25 years ago, when I was a child.

I miss you Papa, who knows how to have a conversation about anything, and still doesn’t mind holding me on your lap.

I miss you nieces, who smell so good, and make me read books, and put up with my Zoe’s bossy ways.

I miss you nephews, who know WAY more about stuff than I do, who have interesting explanations for everything, and are so different from the girls I am around every day!

I miss you my sisters, by marriage or birth, women and nearly women. I wish you were next door.

I miss you bro, and telling you how to live your life would be so much easier if you could just pull up our driveway on your bike, and have dinner with us on summer evenings.

And now, I am tired of crying. So I am going to go make some pizza, plan tomorrow, and do some Chinese homework. I’m glad I got that out J

Clean-livin' with all-natural stuff

2010-08-24T22:51:00.001+08:00

I want my body to be functioning at it’s highest capacity for as long as possible. I want to be and asset to the Father for as long as I am able. So I try to be careful about what I eat, what I wear. After years of confusion concerning beauty products/shampoo I sent in a question to a girl who may not KNOW everything, but knows how to INVESTIGATE everything!

www.Heylaurawhat.com

Through her research I discovered Bubble and Bee REAL bath and beauty products. As in: every ingredient their products can be pronounced, never synthetic, and totally organic:

www.bubbleandbee.com

I ordered a bunch of stuff to be sent to my in-laws house, so that they could pack it in their bags and bring it to me this summer. What follows is a review of the products I tried.

SHAMPOO

2010-08-24T22:49:00.000+08:00

DAY 1

OMG. This stuff smells great. And it has, like, only 12 ingredients. I did realize before I bought this that instead of conditioner, you use a vinegar rinse at the end. No biggy, all the reviews said no problemo.

So I spend a good 30 minutes mixing the right amounts of vinegar, and finally wash my hair.

Results are surprisingly simple, my hair feels nice. I am surrounded by a cloud of vinegar. EWE.

DAY 2

The directions say to give your hair 2-3 weeks to adjust to this new type of healthy soap, so I don’t have high expectations. Just really hating the vinegar smell that follows me around all day.

DAY 3

I get my hair colored as usual. The website says this shampoo will NOT strip color from your hair. I wait 24 hours after coloring to wash my hair. The dark dye swirls down the drain. HELLO again roots! I send Bubble and Bee a quick email. They suggest trying lemon juice in the rinse instead of vinegar, and suggest I embrace my god-given hair color and stop using nasty evil dyes. Um, ok. I mean, that is legit and all, but really, I DO like my highlights an awful lot and don’t want to give them up.

And the lemon juice doesn’t really work and leaves my hair full of pulp. But I am committed to this experiment and in the broader perspective having a healthy life and planet and all that jazz. So I decide to stick it out.

DAY 7

My hair is looking REALLY greasy around the ears. Kinda stiff and, um, wiry everywhere else. I still smell like vinegar and am ultra aware of getting to close to my friend when we are teaching preschool together. 2 weeks to go until I give up. I look up the FAQ page on the Bubble and Bee website and am lead to believe that I may have hard water. So I try the baking soda and stuff they suggest.

For another week.

DAY 14.

I am getting tired of wearing ponytails. The greasy situation is NOT getting better, no matter how much baking soda I use, and frankly, I am sick of smelling vinegar in the bathroom and everywhere I go. Call me old fashioned, but I LIKE the clean, soapy smell I usually associate with taking a shower.

DAY 21

I give up. I will assume I have the hard water. I will suggest that you only try this shampoo if you are SURE you do not. I take a shower this morning and wash my hair with…

Nature’s Baby Organic Shampoo and Conditioner that I got from:

http://lolosbowtique.com/page6.php

I can’t pronounce every ingredient, but is doesn’t have SLS or Parabens, and is organic and 100% vegan. Whatever that means. AND IT SMELLS SO GOOD!!!! And my hair is so pretty and grease free that I wear it down all day… until tonight. Now it smells like exhaust since I was riding my motorcycle all over. Oh well. There is always tomorrow morning!!!

DEODORANT and LOTIONS

2010-08-24T22:46:00.001+08:00

BODY BUTTER

YUMMY!!! I seriously want to eat this body butter. Raspberry-Vanilla. It is RICH. Perfect for my uber-dry skin. I love it. It goes on thick, and feels kind of greasy, so I wouldn’t wear it with silk or anything. But I can’t remember the last time I wore silk anyway so that is a non-issue.

FACE LOTION

Also very thick. Unscented. I love it. HOWEVER, even though my skin is dryer than almost any I know, this is almost TOO rich for me. If I use it every day, I get one or two pimples. And I NEVER get pimples. EVER. So I am using it at night around my eyes, and a couple times a week.

DEODORANT

I am scared to DEATH of deodorants without lovely chemicals and pore-clogging aluminum. My mom forbade such evil deodorants and as soon as I became and adult I started wearing them. When I think about natural, health-promoting deodorants, I think of stinky patchouli and rank sweat.

ALL THAT TO SAY, I am pleasantly surprised by the Geranium Lime Pit Putty I ordered. The smell is unusual, but nice. Every time I open it, I am taken right back to THAILAND. It smells like Thailand. Kind of sensual, earthy, and, well, limy!

It works well for me on an average low sweat day. If I am working out around other people, like, REALLY getting up a good sweat, does NOT cut it. HOWEVER, since it IS such a great product, I am going to order some of their other deodorants (like this spray: http://www.bubbleandbee.com/servlet/the-72/Natural-Deodorant,-Organic-Deodorant/Detail ) and see if they work better for the hard sweating times.

Oh, and I am going to order some of this for my chemical-hating mom she can try it outJ

trying

2010-08-24T21:46:00.001+08:00

to post new blogs, but i REALLY want them to have links to a couple websites and I CANT FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO IT!!!! ARGHHH!!! I really feel like an idiot!

Been-A-While

2010-08-11T14:42:00.001+08:00

It has been a long time since I blogged here. I will give you two reasons, (because a lot of you have asked) and then I will give you a promise.

REASON 1
I have been INSANELY busy the last 5 months.
I have been in language school every day from 8-12. I have a toddler and preschooler. I have a husband and an apartment, and various other vague and mystical responsibilities, plus, living here in a foreign country is a LOT OF WORK!!!!

REASON 2
I have been coming out of lonely and somewhat dark place in my heart and mind. The Father is loving me, and giving me what I need. He is meeting me. HOWEVER, as I have heard many times over the course of my life, “when you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”! In that case, I have chosen blogging silence!!!

PROMISE
I will always be honest on here! I will not post blogs out of duty, I will do it because I WANT to share something with you! So if there is a loooooooong silence, it just means I don’t have anything worth sharing for that time!!! And, I will always do my best to think about what I write before I post it. I want to honor my Father more than anything, and I realize a blog, (at least in my case) is NOT a private diary!
I love you each so much, and I am thankful for this forum to share my life with you. Thanks for reading, and thanks for caring!

Love, Hallie

CHINA TOILETS

2010-08-11T13:57:00.005+08:00

There is great interest in the toilets of our country. For that reason, I have been collecting toilet pictures for some time, and have decided that this is as good a time as any to share them! Some of the most fascinating toilets I have been in have been so crowded with people in various states of undress that I have not been able to take pictures. Other times, I just have not had a camera with me. So this is a small sampling for you education!

This is your standard public toilet. Somewhat clean, a little exposed, and VERY stinky. It is a trough, built on a slope. You squat over it, and your waste (theoretically) slides down the slope into, um, somewhere. Since it doesn’t have a door, and the average Chinese person has never seen a white person’s behind, we usually get quite the crowd around us observing our technique.

I actually don’t mind this one too much, as you do not have to put your feet in waste that has missed the hole. It is a little hard for children to use, as you can imagine. Zoe isn’t exactly afraid of this one, but she is cautious :)

Here we have a “porta-squatty”. I don’t actually run into these that often, but this one was out near a lake we visited. I don’t really have much to say, other than, this is the second-grossest portable toilet I have ever encountered. The first grossest was in San Francisco. It was just as full as this one was, but, I squatted on that one just as I did on the one in SF ;) And we will just leave it at that.

A common phenomenon in public toilets in China is that the plumbing is so old, and the pipes so narrow in diameter that solid waste can not pass through it. So most places ask that you not gift them with your #2. This toilet politely stated this request in, um, well, this kind of language (and if you are offended, and think this in poor taste, well, I DID label this post TOILETS).

This is a highway gas station toilet. They are rank, and usually very dirty, but they DO usually have flush toilets, and the adjoining shop has lots of tasty fermented snack to keep you kids cheerful until the next pit stop!

This is another standard public toilet. This one flushes. Often the porcelain is coated in a thick slimy sludge of, well, stuff, but this one was nice and clean. I usually close my eyes and imagine myself on a grassy plain. If I am taking a little kids, I squat behind it and hold the child in my arms so they don’t get their feet in all the crud. This flush type of toilet is less intimidated for children than the trough kind!

This is by far the most surprising toilet I have come across. It was at a VERY touristy type of place. But still left me rather confused. Hey, at least they tried, right?!!!! This is the toilet I have seen in China that made allowances for children. I have never seen a toilet with a changing table, that is for sure!!!

Just for good measure, I have included the above picture of Esther exploring the squatty in our own home.

And a picture of our entire family’s preferred place to relieve ourselves while traveling around China. The GREAT OUTDOORS!!!!!!

Oh, and BTW, none of these toilets will provide you with toilet paper, OR soap. SO make sure, if you visit us, you always have a Kleenex packet in your pocket when we go out. And a nice bottle of hand sanitizer in your other pocketJ

1 month of thoughts crammed into 1 quick collection of words

2010-04-22T09:36:00.001+08:00

I just finished reading “Lost on Planet China” by J. Maartan Troost. I read it on the Kindle application on my iPhone, which is now the single most useful electronic in my life. Don’t get me wrong, our computer is amazing, but seriously, how could I have EVER mocked you iPhone obsessed geeks back in the day? It truly is everything you claimed and more. More about that later. Right now, I want to talk about books.

We used up approximately 100 lbs of our luggage space bringing books to China from America, and I have already read most of those. The rest are reference books… medical books and the like. So when I discovered that I could get electronic books off of Amazon for a fraction of the physical book price, I was elated. The only problem now is 1-click shopping. Oh, the havoc I could wreck on our bank account with a simple click of the mouse.

Back to the books. Lost on Planet China was written buy a journalist who spent about 2 months traveling around China. I laughed so hard over parts of the book, I thought I might wet my pants. He describes eating at some of the same restaurants WE have eaten at in different parts of our province. In graphic detail, he tells of frequent “almost” fights with the “locals”. His musing on the effects of communism on a nation seem as if they were collected from MY head. I felt like maybe I wasn’t crazy, as I read this book. I thought, maybe I am just the average Westerner. Maybe I am just as much a product of my culture as these Chinese people are of theirs! If any of you read it, let me know what you think. I think anyone would enjoy this book, but maybe I am biased J

Right now, if you were to take a peek at my e-book library shelves, you would see that I am reading "Half the Sky" by Nicholas Kristof. I am blown away by the information in this book. It is kind of an overview of the situation of woman in the world today, with a focus on 3rd world and developing countries. He looks at the situations poor woman face, at the way they are used as weapon in warfare, at the way they are overlooked by cultures that value men so much more than women. I am really appreciating the research, the personal experiences and stories, and the balanced and fair way he approaches different issues. Women’s education, female “circumcision”, sex slavery and trafficking, maternal health, the way religion effects women. It is FASCINATING.

I am mentioning these two books because: I am challenged, I am encouraged. There is so much more. There are lost and dying women, men, and children in our backyard. They are across our cities, and in our neighboring states. They are on the other side of the world. If you aren’t the one meant to go… at least begin to learn something about them. Lets let our hearts be opened, broken, and challenged toward action. It is so easy to get obsessed with what is for dinner, how much the next gas bill is going to be, or if you can convince your husband that you REALLY need that new iPhone ;) It is easy to hear sad story after sad story, get tired of feeling like you can’t make a difference, and give up.

I want to know more than what the standard evangelicals are saying about political issues. I want to know more than what Yahoo news is throwing at me. I want to understand why buzz words like “foreign aid” have such far-reaching impact. I don’t want to look back and know that I stood silent while an entire generation of females went missing in the country I called “home”.

I want to take my job as a child of the king, as a follower of the lamb, as the VOICE FOR TRUTH seriously. I don’t want to be lazy, and ignore the world around me. If you know of some books I should read, some podcasts I should listen to, tell me! And I would be happy to share my reading list with you. Challenge me, encourage me, push me forward. Don’t let me grow weary.

a letter to the pineapple girl

2010-03-17T15:00:00.003+08:00

There are villagers who have made an investment that earns them money all year. They buy a bicycle with a cart on the back. They are actually really cool. You can be your own moving company. You can be a delivery person. You can fill the cart up with tomatoes and roll around the neighborhood. Or whatever fruit or vegetable is in season. You can fit your grandma, wife, kid, and neighbor kid on the back. You can pile it with recyclables and turn 'em in for a buck.

This is pineapple season, so every villager who owns a cart is filling it with pineapples, and parking them on corners. They peel them, slice them, and stab them with disposable chopsticks and sell them as a snack. YUMMY.
I study often at KFC after class. Out side the window there is usually this cart. This mom with a baby, and a 14 year old daughter. The daughter has a crippled leg, and the sweetest smile. She takes turns with her mom, taking care of the baby, and preparing pineapple on a stick to sell. This is a letter I wrote to her. I am making a lot assumptions about her situation. But they are based on my experiences and my basic understanding of what is “typical”.

Dear Pineapple girl,

For some reason, I am fascinated by you. You are a lot older than your baby brother. And you are obviously from a poor family. I think you parents must really love you. You are a girl, and you have a leg that doesn’t work like it should. And yet your mom and dad kept you, raised you, and your mom smiles when she looks at you.

And now you have this perfect, adorable baby brother. Your family must have a lot of hopes tied up in him. I wonder how you feel about that.

I wish you knew how precious you are. I want to tell you that you were created for a high purpose. That there was a plan for you life while you were still in the womb. Are you going to be the owner of the pineapple cart one day? Or will you save up to buy a sewing machine and learn to make and mend clothing? Or are you going to meet someone with connections, who will get you into a school? Will you marry a good man who loves the father and raise children with him who will also love and serve the Father?

You are beautiful. I know there are tens of thousands of girls just like you all over this province. I am going to do what I can for them. I don’t know exactly how that will look in the future, but right now it’s just going to be one mama at a time. One girl at a time who doesn’t mind me stumbling along in bad Chinese.

Don’t give up, pineapple girl. There is a lot to life. There is more to life, and there is joy in being content where you are. I care about you, but not half as much as your heavenly Father does. So, I just entrust you to His care in my mind.

Love,
Hallie the lao wai (foreigner)

Songs for the Season

2010-03-17T14:56:00.002+08:00

These are my songs for the school season.

This song is playing every day at McDonalds where I go to study before class.

“Xing chi ma ma my ka bou cheee… You are my SWEEEEEETIE…. Lamekamuch sai chuia kang mu…. You are my BAAAABBBY!!!!” (in a sultry smooth man pop singer voice)

It is moving. That is for sure.

And this is the song that invariably comes up on my “wedding songs” playlist as I am rolling into the school basement where I park my bike. This is the story of my life changes in the last few months…

“I'm on my way from misery to happiness today, Aha, Aha, Aha, Aha
I'm on my way from misery to happiness today…. I'm on my way to what I want from this world
And years from now you'll make it to the next world, And everything that you receive up yonder
Is what you gave to me the day I wandered"

"I'll do my best, I'll do my best to do the best I can, Aha, Aha, Aha, Aha
I'll do my best, I'll do my best to do the best I can, To keep my feet from jumping from the ground dear, 
To keep my heart from jumping through my mouth dear, To keep the past, the past and not the present
To try and learn when you teach me a lesson!"

Having an iPod is amazing. It keeps the “crazies” at bay when I am living in a country full of things and people I don’t understand. I can ride my bike down the street singing at the top of my lungs and no one has any clue what I am hollering about. It is wonderful. I can listen to “mom” podcasts and pretend that I am just another mom hanging out at the kid’s soccer game. I can put my earphones in and just ignore everyone trying to talk to me! I can listen to my Chinese language podcasts and HEAR the perfect pronunciation of all the words I am supposed to be learning!!!

Hallie's School

2010-03-09T08:08:00.002+08:00

I began language school last week. Today was my 6th day of class. So far so good.

I have 3 other people in my class. Koreans. A 17 year old boy, a 50 year old man, and a sweet 21 year old girl. The 21 year old is a work machine, she masters every tone, every character with a very sweet, very cute voice. And she speaks a tad bit of English. The Man makes up with enthusiasm and volume what he lacks in study skills, and speaks no English. And someday I hope to find out what in the world the 17 year old is doing here! He’s sweet, and tries, so despite his lack of English skills, I think we will be friends :)

You know what is kind of fun about this class? That our language in common will be Chinese!!! This makes our conversations pretty basic. As in… HELLO! And HOW ARE YOU? And HORSE, GRANDMA, BIG SISTER, and so forth and so on. I think we are at least 1 year away from a deep conversation!!!

I am touched by how hard everyone tries to communicate with me, I’m the odd one out, and it would be so easy to ignore me. I like studying. It is hard to memorize all the squigglies that make up the characters I am supposed to learn. But the best part is the sensation of power building deep inside me. I am making PROGRESS. If am taking steps, not baby steps ,but toddler steps, toward the rest of my life here. The last year and a half have been nothing other than desperate. I want to badly to understand and be understood. I am so happy right now..

When I leave in the morning, it is the greatest thing to know that my sister Clara is with the girls. To know that they are safe and happy. They are taking really well to the new routines, and Clara is doing “school” with Zoe every day. Letters. Oh baby.

So that’s that! Just wanted to bring you up to date!

They gym...

2010-03-02T21:22:00.003+08:00

a strange story.

Matt’s school had a gym right next to it. When they opened a branch near our house last fall, we signed a year’s contract, and put it on hold while we went to the States. Yesterday we went to re-activate our membership. On the way into the building, a nice guy in the gym’s uniform tried to sell us a membership. And then we saw this:

In case you can't tell, that is a picture of people taking exercise equipment away from the gym. In a taxi. Why? There are only about 3 staff hanging around and the doors are randomly locked at strange hours of the day!

So we get a Chinese friend to go with us to get the whole story. Turns out, the gym owner went bankrupt or something and escaped the country. A few faithful staff are left hoping to luck out in a legal battle, and are just turning their heads when angry gym members decide the best solution to being gypped out of a few hundred bucks is to “steal” all the equipment! We asked if we also could take a treadmill or something home, but our Chinese friend said, “Um, I think you might get in trouble, being a foreigner and all”.

So, I guess we don’t need to work out anymore ;) I was just LOOKING for another good excuse!

Thugs

2010-03-02T21:14:00.004+08:00

Our home has been filled with cigarette smoke for the last 3 days. Don’t worry, it’s not me, finally giving into the pressures of living overseas. I value my lungs too highly.

Gangsters don’t value their lungs, apparently. Because the cigarette smoke is coming in our windows from the gangsters who have been parked on our balcony for the last 3 days. These guys showed up one morning, and have just been out there smoking for 3 days. They are nice enough, but it started making me nervous. We only have one other family living on our 27th floor. And some single guy who hasn’t been around for 2 months.

So Matt got one of our complex guards to come up and talk with the guys on our balcony. Turns out, the single guy, who hasn’t been around, owes a man some money. And these guys are in the business of getting money for the man. “Well, we say, this makes us nervous.” “Oh, don’t worry!” Says the guard, and the apartment manager, and our friend who helped translate. “They won’t do anything to you, they are really nice! It’s that guys problem! He shouldn’t be owing them money!”

The guard kindly bids us goodnight, and leaves.

Our girls are one a first name basis with these thugs. Every time we go in our out of our apartment “Hi Uncle! Nee How! Hello!!!! Bye Bye!!!” (bye bye is from Esther)

Don't they look DUBIOUS?!!!

snapshots

2010-02-06T09:43:00.002+08:00

Sunrise from our bedroom window

Esther can finally reach the two buttons we use the most! Basement, and 1st floor! She pushes them with exceedingly great joy.

The new bunk beds! Look at all that lovely toy space underneath!

"Mommy, mine is going to wear this dress when mine am a wedding girl and you and Daddy help me find a husband"

I was a stranger…

2010-02-06T08:30:00.002+08:00

The Father gave me a gift this week. A kind woman.

When I take my two girls out, it has the potential to be a PROCESS. An EVENT. In other words, it could take twice as long as expect, be 10 times whinier than I expected… ANYTHING could happen. And yesterday, a good thing happened.

We walk over to the “fishy park”, (more widely known as New Moon Park) and strolled around doing all the things we normally do, like feed the fish, play on the exercise equipment, watch the roller skaters, snack on fresh pineapple, turn away people who try to touch the girls, then stop and listen to the old people singing. Then, last, but not least, we head over to the bounce castle where we pay 50 cents for Zoe to bounce some energy out.

A little diversion from the story.

When I go out with the girls, I cannot think of ONE time anyone has ever shown me the tiniest common curtesy. No one has EVER held a door open at a store or bus station while I try to get through with a stroller. Store clerks stare at me as I drag a stroller up over boxes they leave in the way. No one hold the elevator door for me while I try to convince a suddenly disobedient 1 year old to walk in. People follow me, stare at me, criticize me for not dressing them warm enough, for having them out with drippy noses, for being so fat, for not feeding them, for feeding them…

In defense of my sanity, when I go out, I check out, I put my mind in a happy place, or plug my iPod in and ignore everyone.

Back to the story.

I was in a particularly culture-frustrated state of mind, as I backed my stroller up to the 20 stairs that lead up to the bouncy castle platform. In my head I was thinking, “in AMERICA, anything for kids has RAMPS, and would be DESIGNED for a family to approach the kid thing”. (America, by the way, takes on MUCH glossier and grander proportions when you are not there) I continued to indulge in my arrogant thinking as I parked the stroller, and tried to balance a complaining Esther on my knee while I removed Zoe’s shoes.

And out of nowhere, an angel appeared. Seriously.

Clucking and smiling, a mama about 10 years older then me was at my side, taking off Zoes shoes and lining them up with the others. She picked Zoe up, and much to my surprise, Zoe gave her a BIG grin! Zoe HATES it when strangers grab her. The angel mama said something we didn’t understand, followed by “oh, how cute is the little foreigner” and sent Zoe off to play. She offered me her chair, (there is fierce competition at the bounce castle for chairs). I politely refused, and began to play with Esther after thanking her.

But that wasn’t the end. She started trying to talk to me.

“do you speak Chinese?”

No

“Are you from America?”

Yes

“blah blah blah blah blah?”

Um, I don’t understand

“blah bleh blah dah ahd lkehrewu!#$$%#$?”

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND

(usually they give up here, and look to the other Chinese people around and start making fun of me)

She, on the other hand, LAUGHS! Looks right at my face, doesn’t give a rip what anyone else thinks, and continues to try to talk with me!

She busts out the universal sign language reserved for those like me.

She tells me my girls are beautiful, that I am beautiful. She asks me if I had a natural delivery or c-section. She asks me if I breast fed and compliments me on the nice chunkiness of my baby. When Esther starts whimpering, she whips a cup of yoghurt out of her bag with a straw and ASKS me before she offers it to her. She notices me getting anxious because I can’t see Zoe on the jump thing and says “don’t worry, the big sister is right there” and points her out. She continues to tell me about her son, and her parents. I catch maybe half of what she is telling me.

Everyone around is laughing at her for trying so hard with me. But she doesn’t care!

She asks me if I am happy, (WHAT?) and smiles knowingly when I say “sometimes yes, sometimes no”, she notices Zoe wanting to get out of the bouncer before I do, and jumps up to get her. Zoe snuggles right down into her lap, totally content, and accepts another cup of yoghurt that appears from her gigantic bag.

It is time to go home for Esther’s nap, and somehow she can tell before I even start saying my words for “sleep”. She helps me bundle the girls into the stroller and in her now familiar capable way, helps me lift it down the stairs. Without once being hurtful for unkind, she waves us off with a smile, does not follow us down the path, but turns back to her own child and mother.

I push the girls around the corner, and I do not check out. I don’t head to my happy place and I don’t turn my iPod on. My eyes fill with tears. Zoe sucks down the last drop of yoghurt. “I was a stranger, and you invited me in… I was a stranger, and you invited me in.”

Remember this long, rambling story next time you are in line at a grocery store, and a non-English speaker if fumbling with her purse, looking for the right change. Look for the stranger in your midst, and “invite them in”. You might end up being their own personal angel. You might be the one that made them think, maybe for the first time, “I am gonna make it here”.

Beijing, PRC January 8th

2010-01-12T12:14:00.001+08:00

4:30 am
Beijing, China

Zoe and I are up after about 6 consecutive hours of sleep. Not bad! Esther is snuggled under about 15 blankets next to Matthew in the big bed. The home of friends we are staying in has the luxury of heat, but I would not be so bold as the say the house is WARM. I would go with, um, COLD. But not as cold as outside, where about 6 inches of snow lays crusty and dirty upon the ground. It IS a special way to see Beijing for the first time.

I think that the warm clothing we brought are going to be pretty smelly by the end of these 5 days. It is kind of like camping in the snow, in a really big tent. My Christmas long underwear are not coming off this body. I am thinking about ditching my American ideas of showering and skipping voluntarily taking my clothing off and standing in water. And I am wishing I had spent the extra 75 bucks on the wool long underwear shirt right about now! Early birthday present, anyone? REALLY early?!!

I am trying to decide if I should wash our sick nasty airplane clothes and hope they dry, or just wear them all filthy for the next few days. I know, a BIG decision.

We had 3 extra bags, and were expecting to pay $110 for each one. That was the price on the website. When we got to Seattle, they told us they were going to charge us $220. I know. INSANE. I went and sat down with the girls, and after 30 minutes of negotiating, and using a lot of Chinese, they agreed to let us take them as far as Beijing for free. Would you please join with us and ask the big Guy to give us favor when we check in to our flight home in a few days? We really need to stuff in those bags!

We are spending 3 days sightseeing. As much as we can in the snow anyway. Matt is diving right back into speaking Mandarin and my tongue is numb. All I can think to say is “she is a girl” and “I am American”. Not going to do me a lot of good, that is true.

First step today is to get a sim card for our phone. We will find out if Matt’s jail broken iPhone works here. If not, my broken blackberry will! I am listening to music on my iPod, trying to psyche my spirit and mind up for having a great attitude for the next few days. Trying to remember that Matt and I are a team. That he did not “drag” me here, and that I love adventure.

Second step, get a map and figure out where the blazes we are, and decide if we have the energy to try for the great wall or the forbidden city today. I am especially looking forward to seeing T square. I think it will be a moving experience, much enhanced by the snow!

Goodbye America

2010-01-12T12:11:00.001+08:00

Am I seriously getting a lump in my throat as we pass the outlet mall in Woodburn?

This is embarrassing. But I am admitting it. We fly down Interstate 5, Heather at the wheel, and I am getting distracted by all the signs for restaurants where we did not eat. I hold a caramel macchiato from Starbucks in one hand, and a peach smoothie from Jamba Juice in the other. I feel like a total glutton, but I AM hungry after being too anxious to eat for the last few days.

I feel like I am going to throw up from the anticipation for this day.

We have a short flight to Seattle, 3 hours there, and then Seattle to Beijing. That should be a 12 hour flight. Sorry to all of you I told it was 15 hours. (It felt like 24, so I feel bad for exaggerating, but not TOO bad).

Actually, it is harder emotionally this time than last time. Even with me not being pregnant now! As our plane lifts off from Seattle, my last view of my “home country” is blocked by a pleasant looking Chinese man’s newspaper. I officially hate him for the rest of the flight. I cannot stop crying. I am thankful for Matthew, he doesn’t understand, but he is being kind, and holding Esther and distracting Zoe so she doesn’t get it into her head that going to China is sad or bad.

I look toward where I could see out the window if the guy would put down his newspaper. And the tears just flow. Matthew says “thanks for doing this with me Babe” and I am still crying, but I am happy he is trying!

I love America, I LOVE my family. I miss my friends already. I love what is familiar. I like knowing the language. I like feeling like I belong instead of being on the outside.

On the other side of the world from America is my home. And I am going there. So it is going to be ok. Newspaper man, (you know, the one I hate?) is now shaving his non-existent peach fuzz face with an electric shaver. He has been at it for at LEAST 10 minutes now. THANK GOD. I mean, seriously, we were all about to start calling him woolly mammoth or something.

The First Goodbye

2010-01-01T15:08:00.000+08:00

New Years Ever party tonight, at the Ray farm. Games and lots of very rich food. Headed home at 10 pm…

My poor husband. His wife is crying again. In the grand scheme of things, it is kind of silly.

I thought we were saying goodbye to my sister Rachel, her husband, and little Bella on Monday. As we were leaving, I found out that their flight time had changed, and because of all of ours schedules, we were not going to see them again before they leave for Brazil, and we leave for China.

I am NOT ready to say “goodbye”. But it is time.

GOD! It gets harder EVERY SINGLE TIME. I have been saying goodbye to her for the last 8 years. When I went to Brazil, when I got married and left. When she got married and left. When I moved to China. Now I am going again. And she is going. And it actually hurts MORE every time. I am not joking. Ripping, stabbing pain. In the gut. My face is blotchy and red, and I just want to throw up.
I think it is quiet possible that it DOES hurt more every year. I think that my capacity to love grows greater every year. The more I am loved, the more people I am given to love, the more I grow, and the more my heart grows. It is an amazing phenomena.

I take my anger out on the evil one. I hate him for the things that separate humanity from our maker. I hate those things that require the sacrifice of our lives and our loves and our desires so that we must go into all the world. Our maker MEANT for us to grow up and raise our children within the warmth and love of an ever-growing and expanding family unit. That was the original plan.

Oh, how I long for the day that every tear will be wiped away, even the silly little ones for a sister I miss with all my heart.

Softening

2009-10-26T05:21:00.005+08:00

It has been a while since I felt the EMOTION. I KNOW who I am in the Son. I trust and KNOW that my heart loves Him. I KNOW I will obey, and serve Him forever.

But for at least a year, I have just felt dry. I feel like I have poured out, and wrung out until I am empty. Some days I have looked at my girls, or my husband and thought, “don’t even BOTHER asking me for anything, because I haven’t got ANYTHING left to give you!”

When Matthew and I talked about our time in America, our goals and such like, one of them was that we just wanted to meet with our Creator. We wanted to have some time at the IHOP in Salem, just worship with some of our favorite leaders in some of our favorite places all over the country. We wanted to encounter Him. To be “filled” our selves. (for lack of a better word!)

As I may have mentioned before, NOTHING has gone according to plan since we got here. NOTHING!!! We are loved, and cared for, but so many things we hoped would happen have not. So many plans didn’t work out as expected. We have been discouraged, busy, and having a great time with our old and new friends.

Friday night our friend watched the girls so we could go to a “worship night” with some brothers and sister. I sat there, on the floor, and He continued a work that He began in my heart maybe 2 weeks ago. He is softening. Touching, shaping. Enabling me to FEEL something again.

I think of an old Keith Green song, “oh what can be done, with and old heart like mine? Soften it up, with oil and wine…” He isn’t doing this through any big breakthrough emotional service, or an hour alone with Him, (heaven knows, there hasn’t been time for THAT!!) but He is doing it by DIRECTING our paths. By orchestrating events in such a way that we are entirely defendant on Him. Desperate to the core for His will to be done.

We NEED Him, just as much as ever before. And in this place, the oil and wine is working its work on my heart.

I feel you.

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I didn’t work myself up to it, but tears fall down my face as I drive alone to the fellowship where my husband will be teaching this Sunday. He is already there. And I relish the moment, and I don’t care what my kids are doing in the back seat. “I am FEELING YOU. YOURE BEAUTIFUL”, I scream, much to Zoe’s concern.

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

Esther only got up once tonight. I looked out the window, and could see stars. They are so bright without pollution. I feel that aching inside, “I need you, you’re beautiful!”

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

It is a process, isn’t it? Finding Him in every day. When you can’t feel Him, trusting that it is YOU that changed, NOT Him. “NOW”, I want to yell at Him sometimes, “I NEED to feel you.”
Find a way. Next time you see something beautiful, know it is Him. Find Him in it, and if you can scream it, do it with me…

“YOURE BEAUTIFUL!!!”

“Beautiful” by Phil Wickham

Mine Friend's House

2009-10-21T09:04:00.001+08:00

A family with 9 children hosted us at their house for dinner last night. They invited a couple other families with multitudes of children over as well, and served a delicious meal to all of us.

Much to Zoe’s delight, there were little girls. And there were dollies. And a dolly house.

And then it was time to go home, and I strapped her into her seat, and next thing you know, she is dissolving into hysterics. Total hysterics. When I had explained the day to her, and what we were going to be doing, I had somehow forgotten to tell her we were going back to my cousin’s house that night to sleep. And she thought we were going to sleep at her new friend’s house.

“No mine can’t go MOMMY!!! No Mine didn’t sleep here at mine FRIEND’S house! NO!!!!! Mine can’t GO!!!!”

It was sad. Within a few minutes, it was all explained and her heart was satisfied. Going back to the cousin’s sounded pretty good, and within 5 minutes she was asleep in her car seat.

Mine love mine little girl. She is so transparent. So honest.

Ye old Stomping grounds

2009-10-21T08:57:00.002+08:00

October 10, 2009

Never underestimate the power of the brain.

Indeed, as a mom of 3 years, I usually assume that my brain is on the edge of dead most of the time. I have no idea where my keys are, my earrings don’t get changed for weeks at a time and if you walked up to me and asked me what my kids birthdays were, chances are it would take me at LEAST 2 minutes to figure that one out. I still FEEL like a 21 year old in my head, but the sad reality is that was 8 years and a lifetime ago.

We are back in North Carolina, where Matt and I lived out the first 3 years of our marriage. We got married in Oregon, house sat for 2 weeks, then loaded all our wedding gifts into a U-haul and drove for 5 days. We slept in Wal-mart parking lots and ate dollar menu. We showed up on our friend’s parents’ porch, and stayed with them while we looked for an apartment that would take us with no credit history and no first months rent.

We lived a lot in 3 years, here in Concord, NC. We worked our butts off on any job we could find, studied for Bible School finals, fought like crazy and made up by going on dates to the $1 theater.

God smiled on us, and gave us a beautiful daughter 1 year and 9 months later. We finished school and left our “home” in the south… it feels like yesterday. But it has been 2 years.

I was shopping yesterday, and needed to put down my address for something… without even thinking about it, I filled in my address from here… 3026 Concord Point Lane, Concord, NC…… It was just naturally what came out of my pen! Then, I was getting groceries, and of course I didn’t have the “reward” card, so they told me to put in my phone number, 704-340-8115. WE have had at LEAST 10 phone numbers since then, but still, without even thinking, my old cell number danced off my fingers and right onto the little key pad at the register. I am driving down back roads by instinct, not exactly sure WHERE I am going, but knowing, somehow, that this road is going to take me there.

You know what surprised me most of all? The flood of NEGATIVE emotions I experienced in our first 24 hours here. I had forgotten about the sometimes stifling “religion”, or “traditions” of the south.

I was nursing my baby in the back of a church, and someone I didn’t even really know walked by and threw a blanket at me, and told me to cover up. He later said he wasn’t used to seeing “THAT” in public. Like “THAT” was some dirty word. Um… nothing was showing. No one was around. What the HECK? Then 5 different people told me there was a nursing room. OK PEOPLE!!! I get it! Only BIG people get to eat in public. Babies have to go to solitary confinement. (He he. Hallie’s getting behind her pulpit right here!!)

I also forgot that wearing tank top was kind of skanky. But then, these are just my perceptions of Christian reality around here. I am not claiming that my perceptions are the rule. So you don’t have to write angry emails to me, okay?!!

Good stuff, however started coming to mind by the second day here. Like all the people I love. They way God took care of us. The way He used our school to prepare us in a unique way for the call He had put on our lives. Seriously, Matt and I were better prepared than a lot of people we have met out there on the field. We are convinced our school was a big part of that.

I remember how much I love the sun here, and the kindness of strangers out and about. I had forgotten how the whole freeway practically comes to a standstill when there is a little rain, and how yummy Bojangle’s biscuits are!

I love worshiping in English to familiar songs, and hearing Scott give the announcements at church. I love Kathleen’s back yard, and her precious children, and shopping with Lindsey. And Crystal’s NYC humor. And gospel radio playing on the R&B/Hip Hop stations on Sunday morning.

WOAH. Long post. Are blogs supposed to be this wordy? I don’t know. Here I am, jittery from coffee I drank on an empty stomach, overcome with love and memories, signing off. Here’s a big, toothy Hallie grin. And a kosher side hug. Hehe. Bye!

On Fitting In

2009-09-16T12:28:00.001+08:00

Coming “home” this time is different from other times. I am not appalled by the stores, or offended by the abundance. I am not sickened by the waste, or nauseated by the obesity of our population.

Most of my feelings have turned inward. My thoughts are rapidly moving in different directions all the time. I wake up at night, fully awake, with some new observation that I missed while I was making it earlier that day!

My 3rd day back, I went to the outlet malls. Zoe was down to 2 t-shirts, a sweatshirt, and 2 pairs of pants. Not good for a little girls playing on a muddy Oregon farm!
I spent the first 30 minutes digging through clearance piles at Gymboree, thrilled by the prices, thinking how much fun it was to be doing shopping at a familiar place again… and WHOMP, overload. I could HEAR everyone talking. I could UNDERSTAND everyone. I had been in my private zone. The place I spend nearly every day of my life while in China.

The Zone is the place of sanity. It is a bubble in which the non-mandarin speaking foreigner finds peace. While in the zone, an English word spoken within 200 yards can have a jarring, and tongue numbing effect. There have been times, when approached by a foreigner on the streets of China, and asked a question, I just stand there, blankly staring at them, trying to formulate an intelligent answer, and being totally hung up on the fact that they just SPOKE TO ME.

When I got whomped at Gymboree, I felt panicky. All those VOICES! All those CONVERSATIONS! If I ever got cool enough to have a movie made of my life, at that moment, it would be like one of those superhero movies. You know, the moment the hero, in his superhero infancy, begins to realize that he has a special power? Like Superman’s senses going on overdrive as he tries to focus his hearing on filtering out a single cry for help among the chaotic buzz of the city.

So I stood there, my arms draped with size 4 and 5 little girls clothing. Distracted from the racks of unbeatable deals by all these people, wondering what I was going to do. Pretend I was Russian? Maybe if people thought I was Russian they wouldn’t talk to me. No, dumb idea. Start jabbering away in a mix of my 50 Chinese words, mix in some made up ones and try to pass myself off as Asian? Obviously, an even dumber idea.

I start self talking. “You ARE American Hallie. And it is pretty obvious. You are whiter than white, wearing mom pants and shopping at an outlet mall. Plus, you are drinking Starbucks.” Besides, I realize, no one cares if you understand them. They are all assuming you DO.

So I gather my mangled emotions and scattered thought together. I wait in a civilized, courteous line like I have not done in a year. I pay with crisp green bliss, and I climb in our borrowed minivan and drive home on a smooth, organized highway. I stop at Target on the way home to pick up some shampoo, and successfully resist the urge to blurt out my whole life story to the cashier who asks me how my day was going. But that is another story.

China home

2009-09-16T12:24:00.000+08:00

Zoe has traveled a great deal more than the average 3 year old. We try really hard, sometimes I think maybe too hard, to maintain some routines in her life. We stick to a nap schedule and bed time pretty religiously. We take time to just be the 4 of us even when we are in the middle of events with our extended family. We try to isolate ourselves from the pressure to do things with people when we sense Zoe and Esther’s spirit’s becoming confused and hurt.

When we travel, at each new location we try to set up one area as our base, and give it a special name. When Esther was born in Thailand, we called that our “Thailand house”. When we had to go to Bangkok for me, we called that our “NEW Thailand house”, we call our home our “China house”, and have been referring to my parent’s house for the last year as the “Ray farm”. Matt’s parent’s house is simply “Grandpa and Grandma’s”. But when the confusion sets in, or bedtime gets pushed off… the tears come. And she says…

“no mine LIKE Mamercica! Mine want to go to mine CHINA HOUSE!”

No amount of reason or discussion can convince her of the futility of such a wish.

I just hold her close, and tell her I understand, and I miss our China house too. We will travel a lot more, and then, soon, we will get on another airplane for a really long time, and THEN, we will go “home”.

But someone knows where home is. And that comforts ME for the future. Our little girls are not missing out on anything, really! Matt and I are the only ones in our little family who feel any sense of lose for “Mamercica”. If home is where your heart is, then Zoe would tell you home is in our “China house”.

“The Kids”

2009-08-26T11:46:00.000+08:00

For the last few days, Zoe has been dragging a pink, waterproof drawstring bag around the house. I usually use it for wet things, you know, drippy swimming suits, usually not so drippy cloth diapers, and half eaten jars of baby food.

The bag is straining at the gills, it has 3 medium sized baby dolls in it (all of whom are named Gwyn) and at least 4 miniture dolls, and an odd assorment of baby bottles and pacifiers.
They are her “kids”.

“Kids, you need to pay attention, it is time to get on the airplane, we are going to Mamarcica” (America)

(to me) “Hey, Airplane lady, when does the movie start? My kids are tired”

Sitting at the table, eating her granola and yogurt for breakfast, singing a song… JUMPS up and RUNS to the couch, puts her hand out like a stop sign, and yells “PLAY NICE WITH EACH OTHER, KIDS!!”

“my kids are going to hide while I help you with the dishes, MOM”

“Ugh, my kids are SO tired, but they WONT sleep!”

Man Hole Covers

2009-08-26T11:32:00.001+08:00

Common pitfalls on the road home. I was rolling along on my motorchair (from this day forward, the 3 wheel motorcycle shall no longer be referred to as the 3 wheel motorcycle, but as the MOTORCHAIR) and writing blogs in my head. Except, the blogs sounded more like complainy, whiney rants, so I didn’t actually write them.

But I finally took some pictures of something I have mentioned a few times. The MANHOLE covers. Well, sort of covers. These 3 are all from ONE road, within a 1 block distance of our house. I have seen more then 10 accidents as a direct result of this covers. Usually involving people on electric bikes...

This is a fair representation of most of the roads around here, and a good explanation for why, no matter HOW bored I am, or HOW long of a trip we are doing on the motorchair, I NEVER listen to music on headphones, and I stay alert. I don’t want to miss any of these death traps!

This is also why all the rich-ish sort of folks drive SUVS!!!!

this is the ideal condition of a cover!

This one was new 1 month ago... I think it is on the way out!

good stuff

2009-08-24T16:46:00.000+08:00

The little ladies and I went on a sanity adventure this morning. That is, it was getting out of the house for the sake of our sanity. Sometimes, a mom just has to do that!

Over the last few days, unfortunate and possibly awful things have gone down with some of our fellow laborers, and Matt had a lot to do… I have been feeling sorry for myself, ‘cause I JUST WANT TO GO HOME TO AMERICA! And Zoe and Esther are wearing me out! And… blah blah blah.

In the light of these other things going on, you’d THINK I would be all super duper spiritual, and be thankful, and content, and more like Pollyanna. You’d THINK I would be so happy that I get to go visit America soon, I would shut up and enjoy my last days at “home” before we go! But I am ashamed to say, I haven’t been. Boo, Hallie!

All that said, this is a good day to say a couple of positive things about China.

The guy who delivers our water is really kind. He puts up with my bumbling attempts at speaking to him, and follows my pointing finger to where I want him to put the big water jugs. He always carefully slides paper slippers over his shoes before he comes in, even though he is only going into my nasty kitchen. I am sure he leaves with more dirt than he brings in.

Our tailor. A brilliant man. I seriously wish we could get him a modern sewing machine. He works magic with his, don’t get me wrong, but a guys like him deserves a machine that was made in the last 20 years.

This is why he rocks. When I ask him to hem a pair of pants, he uses, wait for it, THE SAME COLOR OF THREAD AS THE REST OF THE GARMENT HAS!!!! I KNOW, CRAZY!!! If you are trying on a Chinese style shirt, and it is too big, and you pull the fabric in to show him how much smaller it needs to be, he TOTALLY figures out what you mean. And then measures, and does it. No Chinese words necessary.

The only problem is how exspensive he is. Matt’s jeans, that he has been wearing at 5 inches too long for the last 2 year cost 50 cents to get hemmed. I know. A total rip off.

Digital Scrapbooking Begins...

2009-08-24T16:23:00.000+08:00

My first digital scrapbook page.... I got a lot to learn, but if this is the result of 2 hours, I am hopeful! Anyone with experience, give me a hollar, send me your favorite sites... hints, you know, anything to help this transition be painless!

the BROWNIE

2009-07-13T16:33:00.000+08:00

Small leap for a normal human, big leap for Hallie, who learned to bake at the staggering elevation of 154 above sea level ;)

Sadly, the altitude of 6200 in our city in China wrecks havoc with most baking. I have settled for sub-par results for the most part. Cakes with craters in the middle. Half raw bread, and DRY biscuits. The brownie, however, when not done right, is NOT worth the calories ingested. In the interest of making the calories WORTH it, I actually invested time into studying the adjustments one should make to high-altitude baking, BEFORE I began the baking.

In a nutshell, for every cup of liquid, you need to add an extra 2-4 T of liquid. For every teaspoon of rising agent, you need to DEDUCT a little. And for every cup of sugar, deduct at least 2 T. Oh, and a little less butter than usual.

I did this, and the brownies just came out of the oven. Please, someone, stop me from eating them all. They are indeed good enough to ingest all of those calories. WOOWHOOO!

Progress in language

2009-07-13T16:30:00.000+08:00

I misspelled the phonetic language of China. PinYin. It is PINYIN. But it SOUNDS like Ping Ying. It really does.

first week of language for ME!!!

2009-07-09T14:38:00.000+08:00

I just finished my 4 days of consistent language study… my cheeks hurt from sounding out Ping Ying, the phonetic Chinese language. Further down the road, I will begin to study characters, but for now, Ping Ying is more than enough! It feels GOOD to be using my brain again! I mean, not that I don’t use it on a daily basis, but to actually force my brain down a specific track, for 4 hours at a time every day, is pure JOY!

When does a mom EVER get to do that?! Even if you are reading to a 3 year old, your brain is still thinking about what to make for dinner, if you are going to meet the deadline for that paper work, and WHEN, OH WHEN are you going to fit in a shower?!

Every morning, at 8:30, I hop on my bike, and head to McDonalds. I buy a cup of coffee, and study for 2 hours, (theoretically) then, I ride to a coffee house nearby, and meet my teacher for a 11/2 hour lesson. Time flies, because she is a good teacher, and comes to class with a plan, and sticks to it. I am sure I will think about her when it comes time to home school my little Zoe.

This is a sentence I learned this week. I know it looks like writing ma ma ma ma over and over again, but the TONES alone are what make each word different. I am including a loose translation of the sentence.

Ma ma qi ma, ma man, ma ma ma ma.

If you use the tones correctly, this will mean

Mama rode the horse, but the horse was slow, so Mama cussed at the horse!

For some reason, I think this is REALLY funny.

Blogable

2009-07-09T14:27:00.000+08:00

Over the 4th of July, I did a lot of thinking. Most of what I thought is not blogable. People make a big deal about how you just have to “say what you think”, “say what you feel”, and “say what you believe”.

I believe you should say what is true, and before you say it, think about the consequences. Not everything you FEEL should be shared. Not everything you BELIEVE is right, or defend able! And, speaking for myself, I lot of what you THINK won’t do anyone else any good!

I filter my thoughts in so many new ways since moving to China. There is the filter of what is edifying. The filter of what is ok when you live in a country with the type of government we have. The filter of what will make the Body unite.

My biggest personal challenges since moving here are not so much the ones for which I had planned and prepared. The biggest personal challenges are the thing I cannot discuss. Things that don’t make it through those filters. The things that I must file away to share another time.

Zoe and Esther are supposed to be napping. I am burning rice. Esther is now sitting up, and doesn’t know how to lie back down and go to sleep, so she is screaming in tired frustration. And Zoe is just lying in bed, thinking up new, hopefully valid excuses to get out of bed for a little bit. This is the life!

Our Chinese Driver's license test

2009-06-03T22:56:00.000+08:00

I am taking my Chineses driving test today. Here are some questions from my study guide. I left out some of the REALLY difficult, confusing and technical ones…I will be given a test of 100 randomly selected questions (like these ones) and must gain a mark of 90% or better.

I wonder…who can get the most correct? The winner gets a prize. Please post how many you got correct. There are only 25 questions. Good Luck!

At the bottom of the page, I posted the answers
__________________________________________________________________

1. T/F: When there is a sudden braking failure, the driver should evade people first and things second when evading obstacles.

2. T/F When the driver senses he will inevitably be thrown out of the vehicle, he should violently straighten both his legs to increase the force of being thrown out and jump out of the vehicle.

3. When a vehicle leaves the opening of an expressway tunnel, it will be attacked by side wind and the vehicle have _____.
A. A feeling of deceleration
B. A feeling of acceleration
C. A feeling of pressure
D. A feeling of deviation

4. When driving at night, there could be a sharp curve or a big hole ahead if the lighting _______.
A. Shortens
B. Leaves the road surface
C. Does not change its distance
D. Becomes lower

5. T/F: When in operation, the engine temperature of a vehicle should be maintained in the range 80-90oC. The normal cooling water temperature of an engine is 80-90oC.

6. If the accumulated penalty points of a motorized vehicle driver reach 12 points and the driver refuses to participate in the study course…
A. Should publicly announce that his driving license should no longer be used
B. Should detain his driving license
C. Should revoke his driving license
D. Impose a double fine on him

7. A motorized vehicle that goes through an intersection without the traffic lights should _______.
A. Yield to the vehicle coming from the left side of the road
B. Yield to the vehicle coming from the right side of the road
C. The vehicle that turns left should yield to the vehicle that turns right
D. The vehicle that goes straight should yield to the turning vehicl8.

8.The yellow marking at the center of an intersection in the picture is _______.

A. A cross-hatched marking
B. A marking prohibiting non-motorized vehicles from passing
C. A central circle
D. A guide line

9. The picture indicates _______

A. A speed-reducing marking
B. A width-limiting mark
C. A tunnel marking
D. A three-dimensional mark

10. T/F: The sign in the picture is designed to indicate the sections beyond 50m on both sides specified in the main sign.

11. T/F: Depressing the clutch pedal connects the clutch, and releasing the pedal separates the clutch.
12. T/F: When a wounded person is unable to get off the vehicle by himself, he should be removed from the vehicle so as to avoid a secondary injury.
13. T/F: When there is a bleeding in the upper limb of a wounded person but he suffers no bone fracture or joint damage, the bleeding can be stopped by pressurized dressing.
14. T/F: When a vehicle runs on an expressway in rain, the water film is formed between the tires and the road surface. As the speed increases, the tire grip decreases and can easily cause a “water sliding” PHENOMENON.

15. When operating the brake pedal, the driver should _______.
A. Observe before depressing
B. Does not have to observe when depressing or releasing
C. Observe when depressing
D. Observe when releasing

16. When there many wounded persons, those who should be sent to hospital last are the persons ________.
A. Suffering cervical vertebra damage
B. Suffering massive haemorrhage
C. Suffering breathing difficulty
D. Whose intestines and veins are exposed

17. In a rainy day, the vertical distance between vehicles should be _______ longer than on a dry road.
A. 1 time
B. 1.5 times
C. 2 times
D. 3 times

18. Gun powder, explosives and detonating powder are ________.
A. Oxidizing materials
B. Inflammable solid materials
C. Explosives
D. Self-igniting articles

19. When encountering an old man on the road, the driver should _____.
A. Speed up in advance and pass
B. Bypass from behind
C. Properly reduce speed and honk in advance
D. Continuously honk to warn

20. The accelerator pedal designed to control ____ of the engine or oil pump plunger is used to control the rotation speed of the engine.
A. The accelerator
B. The air throttle
C. The clutch
D. The fuel injector

21. The wrong measure to rescue a person sustaining burns all over his body is to _________.
A. Use sandy soil to cover
B. Swiftly put out the flames of his clothes
C. Spray cool water to his body
D. Take off his burning clothes

22. T/F: When parking vehicles carrying dangerous good they should allow 50m clear space on flat roads and 300m of sloped roads.

23. When an animal-drawn cart cuts in on the road, the driver should honk to warn in a timely manner.

24. T/F: Coasting down a hill by turning off the engine and using neutral gear is illegal and will fine 3 points

25. T/F: Matt and Hallie love living in China

Answer Key:
1. T
2. T
3. D
4. B
5. T
6. A
7. B
8. A
9. D
10. F
11. F
12. T
13. F
14. T
15. B
16. A
17. B
18. C
19. C
20. B
21. A
22. T
23. F
24. T
25. T

loving

2009-05-19T16:53:00.000+08:00

When Matthew is out of town, Zoe and I have developed our own little coping mechanism. We go to our favorite restaurant for dinner. I have something different every time, (but always get strawberry lemonade) and Zoe gets the cheesy noodles EVERY time. We ride our 3 wheeler there, eat a leisurely (by mom standards, that is about 10 minutes) meal, eat a cookie, get treat for daddy from the import store, and head home just in time for bed.

Last night I was zooming along, singing “super trooper” from Mamma Mia for 100th time that day, and I looked up ahead of me, stopped singing, and breathed out… I LOVE CHINA. I have NEVER actually said/thought “I LOVE CHINA”. I have thought, “I love these people”. I have thought, “I love my house, I love this food, I love that we are finally here, where we are supposed to be….”

But right then, at that moment, literally racing toward the sunset, strange smells in my nose, dodging a horse drawn cart… an emotion kicked me in the gut. I anticipate it will happen more often. I imagine that as I learn the language, make a heart-connection-friend, and invest my time and life, I will really come to LOVE CHINA.

Kipsing

2009-05-19T16:46:00.000+08:00

Any word that starts with an S become muddled on my 3 year old’s tongue. The S moves to the end of the word.

“Mommy, look! I’m KIPSING!” (Skipping)

“Mommy, I make a MILES!” (as she draws a smiling face)

“I’m going to TIRS the cakecakes” (stir the pancakes)

“If I clean up all my toys really fast, do I get a TICKERS”? (sticker)

“ I EED a NACKS Mommy!” (need a snack)

Melt my heart, Zoe, why don't you?

One of “THOSE” days

2009-05-07T22:23:00.000+08:00

Matthew and his sister are out of town for four days, so it is just me and the munchkins, trying to think of stuff to do in order to avoid insanity. We have been driving all over our side of town in our motor cycle thing.

I would like to think that I look insanely hot behind the wheel of our 3 wheeled motorcycle. I have a sneaking suspicion that is not the case. There are probably a lot of other words to describe how I look as I scoot around town, but I imagine none of them are very flattering, so I am NOT going to dwell on that. I shall simply continue along my merry, delusional way, and consider myself insanely hot.

It is fairly easy for me to be rude. But I still find it difficult to push and shove everyone out of my way. I am getting better at it. I was waiting at the cash register today to buy some towels, and 3 people bodily shoved me out of the way, and took my place in line. At last, I also began shoving, and much to my surprise, no one seemed to mind. Due to my hesitance to be “rude”, the shopping trip took at least 30 minutes longer than it should have.

Then we went to KFC to get some popcorn chicken for a snack. And I got shoved out of line at the counter by two different grumpy old ladies, who were totally un-impressed that my toddler was yelling “I hungry in my tummy” and infant was screaming just for the heck of it. So I got all up in their grill, and shoved lady number 3 out of the way and ordered my food.

Tonight, Zoe and I decided to have a picnic. We packed dinner, and headed to a park. The grass was soaking wet. So we went to another park. We got all set up, Esther on her corner of the blanket, Zoe on hers, drinks un-capped, Zoe chirping in delight at the impressive novelty of a picnic. A security guard stood staring at us the entire time we were setting up. As soon as the drinks were opened, he came over and made it very clear that we were NOT to sit upon the grass. Zoe started crying, and I stared in vain frustration at the guard, WISHING with all my heart that I could say the nasty things in my head to him, and not get in trouble from God. I mean, the guy wouldn’t understand me, so would it still be wrong? At the very least, I wished I knew enough Chinese to ask him why it was ok for the insanely hot teenage girl to sit on the grass while she talked with her boyfriend, and why it was ok for that little boy to defecate on the grass, and WHY, oh WHY is it ok for those dozens of sick little dogs to run around madly on the grass but a little human girl CANT HAVE A PICNIC?!!!! We weren’t littering, we were NOT relieving our bladders, we were just HAPPY!

Now I am at home, in my beautiful little pocket of peace. The girls are asleep at last, and I am nibbling on m&ms. it’s that or snickers, and I totally over-did snicker in our first month here. I don’t like days like today. But there are worse things. And tomorrow, my husband is going to come home, and I just might be able to talk him into letting me be ALONE for a few hours. That would be cool, huh?!!!

SAD

2009-05-07T22:21:00.000+08:00

My unborn niece, only 2 months from entering the world, has left us. She is in the arms of her creator. But we wanted her in OUR arms.
We are so very sad.
Would you please pray for our family, but most of all for Rachel, Guga, and Isabella, far away in Brasil, mourning the loss of their daughter.

ZOE IS 3!

2009-05-07T22:07:00.000+08:00

She has been anticipating this birthday for MONTHS. She had a family party, and a friend party. The friend party was a cooking party, the kids decorated aprons, and played with play-doh!
TOMMY DOG CAKE!

Kaitlyn and Annalise getting into the apron painting!

Ready for her friends to come, wearing her new dress from the Ray Aunties!

Bondage

2009-04-10T23:40:00.000+08:00

One of my favorite evening pastimes in Thailand is the night markets. Color, lots of sweat. Yummy street food. Loud bargaining for all kinds of brand name fakes, and other little thingies. I REALLY like them. Usually they are fairly clean, family friendly sort of places.

We found a new market, and took a little trip over there a couple nights ago.

This one was a little different. Right along next to the booths ran a little street full of strip clubs and bars. With open double-wide doors. Nothing left to the imagination. People yelling lewd things toward my precious little Zoe. They didn’t mean any harm. But they don’t have the eyes to see how lost their jaded hearts have become.

Once we realized how bad the area was, we made our way into the inner jungle of the market. Winding our way through, looking for a taxi.

It is starting to wear on my brain. I never really know if I am talking to a man or a woman. Even the most convincing pretty girl can turn out to be the opposite. A man with breasts is totally normal. My heart bends, and twists inside me, and I stop thinking about my silly issues, and think about what his/her life must be like.

I was in the middle of haggling with a sales he/she over a purse for my sister. Matthew came over as I was closing the deal and dragged me away. “I just can’t buy from someone with that kind of spirit”. How do we show the love of the father in such a short amount of time, in a country that is not our own?

How can I look you, man, or woman, in the face, and somehow give you a sample of the love I have tasted? I wish I could reach across language barriers, and know you get it. I wish I knew that the Spirit that is upon me was strong enough that you felt it. How my heart breaks for you, child of God.

The MOB

2009-04-10T22:10:00.000+08:00

Our taxi was at a standstill....

and the horde began to surround us.....
He is making a DIFFERENCE
YUP

Yesterday, getting home from the eye doctor should have taken 30 minutes. It took 3 hours.
Because our taxi was at a standstill, completely surrounded by a mob of over 1,000 people.
Thailand has two political parties. The “yellows” and the “reds”. For lack of a better comparison, we could pretend they are like Republicans and Democrats. Thailand is still a Kingdom, but it is a somewhat democratic kingdom.

Anyway, do you remember last fall, (when we were here having Esther) the “yellow shirts” or the PAD closed down the Bangkok airport for a few weeks? Stranded passengers were stuck there for weeks, flights stopped, you know, chaos and all that? As a result, the PAD achieved a new level of political power. Now the other guys, the “reds”, want some power. So it is their turn to mess stuff up.

Tomorrow is the first day of Thailand’s biggest festival. The “Water Festival”. It is kind of like the Thai New Year. Should be a big money maker for Thailand. But the “reds” are committed to protesting by shutting down the main roads until someone listens to their demands and complies.

To their credit, they were the friendliest mob Matt and I have ever seen. We rolled down our window in the tropical downpour that came and livened up the mob, and high-fived and laughed with a bunch of the protesters. I was pretty cheerful, ‘cause it was just me, Esther, and Matt,

and if we were stuck there for hours, we had some Baskin Robins Pralines and Cream for food.

As the hours dragged on though, I REALLY had to go to the to the toilet. So I left Matthew and the baby in the taxi, and found some nice guys drinking beer, and they let me use their toilet. AHHH…. RELIEF. Then I got back in the taxi, ready to settle in for the long haul.
I cannot say that I understand the politics here. But they sure are colorful! We managed to get the above two pictures before our camera officially broke for good.

“Medical Tourism”

2009-03-30T19:15:00.000+08:00

The international hospital we went to is astonishing. People from all over the world come here, to Bangkok, to receive some of the best medical care in the world. The hospital supplies complimentary translators in over 40 different languages! But every doctor, and every nurse speak incredible English. We walked right up to registration. Didn’t even have to wait one minute. Within 30 minutes I was sitting down with an OBGYN, and an hour later, we were out of there.

One week down, and the first round of tests is over! I don’t have cancer, HPV, or any major structural problems. I don’t have 3 other things, and we don’t know what I DO have. The Doctor has one idea, and I began treatment for that. And the second round of tests has begun. Now we are googling like crazy, and making a list of ideas to discuss with the doctor. My next appointment is on Sunday. We will know more then. I did discover my height in centimeters. 170

The halls of this hospital are filled with wealthy people from all over the world. Africans, Indians, devout Muslim women swathed in yards of cloth, all of them taking advantage of a medical system un-encumbered by the insurance games and limitations. It is one of the most diverse places I have ever been. We only went into two buildings, and both had a Starbucks!!!

Matthew's sister Heather is a great help. It is so nice to go into an appointment, and know that Zoe is safe, and happy, and have Matthew be able to help me process.
Our hotel is really nice. The pool is BEAUTIFUL… it has a kid pool and Zoe is blissful when swimming in it. The hot tub really is not very hot, because it is about 90 degrees every day. But it is kind of cool sitting in the semi warm pool of jets. I like it. So, that is the story for now. More later!

Surgery

2009-03-23T07:44:00.001+08:00

You know how, when you go on an extended trip, all the stuff you have been putting off doing for months suddenly seems REALLY important, so you get all stressed about doing it before you leave? Yeah. Like, I have been meaning to organize all the junk on our bathroom counter and throw most of it away for about 3 months, and now that we are leaving for Bangkok, I feel like it has to be done RIGHT NOW, or…. Or WHAT? Maybe whatever bad thing happened because of it not being organized before will finally happen!

We are leaving for Bangkok, Thailand, tonight, at 11 pm. Arriving around 2 am. YUCK!!!

I have had a problem since Esther was born, and kept hoping it would get better, and it hasn’t. The pain is worse, and we finally feel that it is time for us to go get the surgery done. I don’t exactly know what all will be involved, we won’t know until I get a better diagnosis at the hospital in Thailand. But all the specialist here that I have seen, and my doctor back home in Oregon have agreed that it would be VERY unwise to put off addressing this issue any longer.

We won’t pretend that being in warmth, and having yummy western food won’t be nice, but being cut, and not being able to care for my babies, and being so far away from home won’t be easy. Spending money on fixing a broken up body always annoys me, because I just want the GREAT PHYSICIAN to do it!

I am kind of scared, Matthew is trying to psych himself up for taking fatherhood to a whole new level by being the “primary care-taker” for a while ;) Hehe. Welcome to my world, buddy! Zoe wishes we were going there on a helicopter. I don’t think Ester really cares much, as long as she gets to keep blowing spit bubbles.

We are going to keep trusting the Father for a miracle. He loves us. He cares for us. He goes before us. Keep us in your hearts, and we will let you know how it all goes! All that said, next time we go to Thailand, it had BETTER be for a vacation, and not medical stuff!

I will post again this week, after we get a solid diagnosis.

Losing stuff

2009-03-19T23:26:00.000+08:00

I don't lose things. Seriously. I don't.

So where is:
My iPod
My stroller
My camera
My sanity

They are all gone. Seriously. Like, GONE.
The iPod has been gone 2 MONTHS.
Stroller 2 WEEKS
Camera 4 DAYS
Sanity.... Um, I don't remember the last time I had THAT

I want my iPOD REALLY BAD
I want the camera REALLY BAD
The camera is annoying, but it was broken anyway
I thin the sanity is a lost cause, so what the heck

We are leaving for Bangkok on Monday. But I can tell about that later.

Donkey Days

2009-02-10T08:19:00.000+08:00

Our apartment stands where just a few short years ago, there was only village. The villages have been slowly pushed further and further outside the limits of the city. One bus stop away from our house, men park their donkey carts outside of wal-mart, waiting to take people back to the village after their shopping!

Yesterday, Zoe and I were looking at the donkeys and talking about how cool they were. There were three carts in line, waiting for passengers. The first one had about 12 people, already in it, and one more guy trying to climb on the back…..

Picture this, he finally hoists himself up on the seat, and the whole cart tips back, until it is resting on the ground, and the donkey screams as he is thrown up into the air! His poor little legs pawing at nothing, about 3 feet off the ground! The guy falls out of the back, the donkey’s feet return once more to earth. The guy hoists himself onto the cart for the second time, and the poor donkey goes flying back up in the air again! This time, the final passenger stays put, and the driver pulls the donkey back down to earth.

The driver’s wife starts pushing the cart, and once the donkey gets going, she herself hops on the back.

This little donkey has to be one of the strongest creatures I have EVER seen!

I was too late to catch the donkey in the air, but here is a picture of the villagers wondering WHY in the world I am taking a picture of them!

how is it.....

2009-02-05T14:29:00.000+08:00

During the 7 days of full-out celebrating the Chinese New Year, fire works and firecrackers went of all through the night, and into the day. Even in our apartment, 27 stories up, they got to be pretty annoying!

On the third night, I was laying in bed, at about 3 am, wide awake, thinking of rude things to yell at everyone beneath us, lighting off those stupid fireworks. It sounded like we were in the middle of a war zone. I kept having bazaar dreams, where we were running from guerrillas and fighting for our lives.

I realize that is how a good portion of the people in the world will live out their whole lives. In the middle of bombs, machine guns, and blood. There are those who will be born into that life, and die in that life. There are those who will never know what a “silent night’ is.

Matthew and I watched a movie the other night. Defiance. About some Jews who hid in the forests of Poland for years, hiding from the Nazis. There was one scene in which maybe 80 men were running around in the middle of an open field, killing each other. It was so STUPID. So, un-civilized. So, IN HUMAN, I thought. I wanted to yell at them, and just before I made a fool out of myself, I remembered that it was just a movie :)

But still, that is happening, all over the world.

And the Father gave up HIS SON, his SON, for THAT? For those morons, running around, acting worse than animals. At least animals just kill for food. The Father watched his son bleed. Watched his son call out to him, in agony, and didn’t answer him. The Father turned his back on his son, in his worst hour, for the sake of his creation.

I can’t even handle the tears my 2 year old cries, when she skins up a knee.

The frightened little yelp my infant lets out when she wakes up and realizes I am not holding her breaks my heart.

I cannot understand, I cannot imagine the love my heavenly father has for me. For the world. For the monsters who are right now running around shooting children for no reason. I cannot fathom the depth of a heart that gives his only son as a replacement. Its not a story. Its not a lie. It is the truth. It is the only reason I can find the strength to go on living on this earth.

“ How MIGHTY are you works! The whole earth tells of your greatness!”

Chinese New Year pictures

2009-01-27T13:42:00.000+08:00

Esther's second home
Mommy, Zoe, and Esther get up close and cuddly on the bus. It is WAY too crowded on there....

Brian and Patty at our Chinese New Year party

Zoe hamming it up for her audience on the bus

the firework stand across the street, same prices as the states, folk. Just a MUCH better selection!

the show from our balcony

Esther doesn't care

Auntie Tessah and her puppy, Holly. Holly is better behaved than most kids!

Friends just doing what they do!

Annalise and Zoe

I LIKE.....

2009-01-25T19:04:00.000+08:00

The last few days have been anything but “good”. I started it off by drinking about 3 cups of coffee instead of my usual 1, and Esther didn’t sleep for at least 24 hours. Yeah, stupid me.

Then Zoe broke her arm. Then the money didn’t come if for Matt to take an important trip he has been planning for months. Now Matthew is really really sick. But I am not going to dwell on that. This is the perfect opportunity to write about a few things I really like here in China!

I like cheap Chinese herbal medicine

I like eating fresh strawberries in the middle of winter. I like eating giant, candied rose hips on a stick. I like buying chunks of peanut brittle from a street vendor, and I like fried dumplings with corn and pork in them.

I LOVE the way sunlight streams into our apartment on a rare sunny day.

I like living in a city with decent public transportation.

I like always having something new and interesting to see when I go out.

I like the wonderful feeling when a find a special treat, like chocolate chips, at the local import store.

I like that my newly potty-trained 2 year old can pee on the side of the street, so we never have accidents!

I like that most people excuse my stupid mistakes by saying, “what do you expect? She is a stupid foreigner”!

I like cheap DVDs, even if they don’t work half the time.

I like watching a person’s face when you tell them about ONE who really, and truly, forever loves them. The ONE who lost his life for them.

I like Sype, ‘cause my family is close when I miss them.

I like that Zoe’s XRays only cost 50 bucks!

I like gnawing on sugar cane sticks.

I like the guards at the gate of our apartment, especially “Mike”, he likes to speak English with us!

I like my Chinese teacher, she is patient and encouraging, and expecting a baby.

I like Zoe’s Chinese, 4 year old friend Sophie, because Sophie is very kind and patient with Zoe.

I like Sophie’s mommy, because she helps me and Matt achieve our goals for being here.

I like being in a crowded market, in my own little world, and being jolted out of it by an English word being spoken somewhere.

I like knowing that you love us, and care for us.

Hardly Davidson

2009-01-20T13:02:00.001+08:00

We got a sweet ride.

We were hoping to one day buy one, (we also need a bike and a scooter) but our friends here outgrew it, and passed it on to us!

Wherever we need to go as a family, we can get there in style and comfort, and without the miming and babbling involved in trying to tell a taxi cab driver were we want to go.

It’s called the Hardly Davidson. Or it could be called FREEDOM.

The Chinese call it the “handicapped chair” the only people here who use it are really old men, carting their women around. Thus, we could call it our “smile machine”, because everywhere we go, people burst into laughter, or, if they are trying to be polite, stifle the laughter and choke on a grin.

As of now, it can only be started with a delicate combination of gymnastics, but Matthew has nailed it down to an art form.

Zoe is held in place by one of Matthew’s old leather belts, so she doesn’t go flying out when we bump over one of Kunming’s finer samples of roadway. She is also zipped up inside one of mommy’s windbreaker so she doesn’t turn into a popsicle.

I hold Esther in her carrier, hold the gas cap on, and help Daddy yell “BEEP” every time we round a corner. We yell “BEEP” because the horn stopped working for some reason. But no one really notices us yelling “BEEP”, and if they do, they just think the strange, beautiful foreigners are having seizures.

Whatever. On a $2 tank of gas, we can go ANYWHERE we want. (as long as we avoid the police roadblocks) We have taken full advantage of the back roads, and visited the zoo, gone to Sunday morning fellowship, explored a Western style neighborhood with REAL houses, and discovered a few new restaurants. We can explore the parts of Kunming most westerners never see.

Matthew feels like a man again, in charge of his own driving destiny.

I drove it a couple times, but all the things involved in getting it going are too overwhelming when I am on my own with the two kids. So for the weekdays, it’s still the bus, but weekends….
It is a little different from our last few cars...

But we like it better
Because it is HERE!
We are the wild and crazy hog riders.

SOMETIMES I WISH….

2009-01-13T11:13:00.000+08:00

SOMETIMES I WISH….

I could go somewhere without a baby strapped on my chest

I could eat with a fork

Hot water would come out of my kitchen tap so I didn’t have to turn a water heater on an hour before I do dishes, then walk back and forth from my bathroom to the kitchen with buckets of hot water

I could go out and not be stared at

Stinky tofu had never been invented

I could tell the butcher that I want ground beef without bones in it

It didn't take 48 hours for one load of laundry to dry

I didn’t feel like such a freakish giant

The words bubbling up in my mouth were Chinese, and not Portuguese (what’s up with that?)

We could go to a playgroup (maybe I should start one?)

I had a blender

The super cheap pirated DVDS would work EVERY time

I was better at being thankful

My daughter didn’t always have to “go potty” as soon as we got to our bus station

I didn’t have to stand in other people’s filth just to “go potty” myself

I could shop for the whole week instead of the whole day

Shopping took less than 3 hours start to finish

We had a Chik-fil-A restaurant in our city

McDonalds wasn’t in our city

My mom lived next door so she could watch the girls while I stop to breath

My sister lived next door so I could stop watching every word I say, because she understands

I could go to Morningstar, and dance my heart out

Pizza with chopsticks

2009-01-08T14:44:00.000+08:00

Another weekly gathering at our place… 20 Chinese people, and about 6 Oregonians who were in town. I made Pizza, garlic breadsticks, banana muffins, and ginger snaps. And others brought a bunch of Chinese food. There was not ONE speck of food left on the table and hour later.

You have not lived until you have seen someone eat a slice of pizza with chopsticks.

We had to make them all stop, and gave them a lesson in vulgar American eating habits. We also taught them that Americans pretty much fight to get in line first at potluck thingies, and told them to stop being polite and eating one grain of rice at a time, and just DIG IN!!!

They love our house. They think Zoe and Esther are the cutest things they have ever seen in their lives. Zoe knows she is the cutest thing they have ever seen in their lives.

We met a girl named Jade at the zoo last weekend. We felt that the Father wanted us to invite her over. She is only 18, very poor, from a village. She had to quit school to make money to support her family last year when her dad died. You should have seen her pride when she showed up at our house with 5 friends. She knew FOREIGNERS, and she speaks ENGLISH, and they were so impressed. Jade has a beautiful heart, and we know that the Father has an equally beautiful plan for her life. Jade is Muslim. But I have a feeling about her.

This is a good life. Hard, sometimes, but good.

old pictures that make me smile

2009-01-04T19:48:00.000+08:00

Promise came to visit me when I was about 3 weeks away from my due date with Zoe
awe... so stinkin' romantic those Ziebarts are

Back when my little sisters and bro were LITTLE

I like to tell everyone how to scrapbook. We did Rachel's wedding album in 8 hours. A personal record for me!

My second Christmas in the Ziebart family. Thankfully, the Christmas jammies had great elastic waist to accomodate the growing tummies of both Harmony and mine.

Feed the Flesh… Or Kill It?

2008-12-31T20:18:00.000+08:00

It was time to celebrate the 3rd birthday of one of Zoe’s little friends. For days, we talked about the up-coming birthday party, how much fun it was going to be, the cake, playing, and the special gift we would pick out for her friend.

Finally the day came to pick the birthday present. Of course, Mommy helped narrow down the choices! Would it be a princess dolly? Or a princess game? Or the princess craft? Oh, the agony!

The princess craft won, and then, oh no. The realization hit that, the gift was NOT for Zoe. It was for her friend! “NO!!!”

Pouty face. Angry face. “I get one for ME Mommy!”

An explanation followed, then a reminder that saying no to Mommy means a spanking when we get home.

We made it home without too much more trauma.

And Daddy helped her wrap it.

The next day, it was time to go to the party.

She remembers that the gift is NOT for Zoe. OH NO!!! More angry face. More pouty face. More earnestly trying to explain to Mommy why it is so important that “I get one for ME Mommy!”

Another spanking.

A ride down the elevator. 27 floors of time to change her attitude. By the time we got to the ground floor…. It was all smiles, and excitement… “I give mine present to Analise, Mommy!!!!”

as though it was this brand new idea that had just occurred to her.

I responded with all kinds enthusiasm. And she stayed joyful, even as her friend unwrapped it, and kept it.

Aren’t we just so thankful for every chance we are given to die to our self? :J

Maybe if she gets lots of these opportunities at 2, it won’t be so hard when she is 28, like Mommy.

BEFORE 27 FLOORS

AFTER

CHRISTMAS

2008-12-26T07:45:00.000+08:00

A bleary-eyed pair at the Christmas Eve event
A fan dance of praise!

Our Christmas tree! Set up on our Christmas table, gift from Grande!

What's Matt's sock doing out? Wait, that is Zoe's stocking!

The cook in her new kitchen

Angela, Sam, and Patty

finishing up Christmas dinner at Patty's house

the food was SO YUMMMY

Zoe and Annalise provided a great deal of entertainment for all 20 of us

Zoe is madly in love with Rachel and Ivan. I have to admit, they ARE awfully fun!

Daily Life on the train

2008-12-16T07:59:00.000+08:00

Lots of Chinese toddlers wear winter hats with brown and blond curly hairs sewn onto them. I hope you can see it!
during one of her daily smile sessions

waking up!

bath time... Zoe washes her feet, bottom, and tummy with the washcloth. It is kinda rough having her up on the counter, maybe someday we will get a baby bath!

Taking in the sights at the mall downtown...

Note: I would never let Zoe out in public looking like this in the states. However, she was sick, and this coat was only 5 bucks.... and we were broke and needed one, and besides, this is the way EVERY two year old looks here. Also note the missing eyeball on the lady bug. There are 3 lady bugs on the coat, and only one eyeball left among them.

The old town. Yeah, there are still folks dwelling in some of these.

This passage is inside above building. The live, work, and have their being in here.....

Another family lives inside that, um, I don't know what to call it.... shelter?

Zoe had been sick for 3 days, and we were sick of her being sick, so we stuck her in the stroller and went adventuring. Behind us is a guy making cotton candy on his portable cotton candy stand... yeah, its just his bike. You can buy all kinds of cool stuff on this road, like dried fungus of all kinds, and strange spices, and pickled ANYTHING.....

Left to right....

Cassie, Patty, Tessah

Some of the girls in our "team"

We had a cookie decorating deal at Martie's house cause she has cookie cutters she brought from the states!

Tessah loves Esther!

And oh, how Esther's big sister loves Tessah!

a moment

2008-12-04T22:06:00.000+08:00

Reminiscing on a moment...

When you travel a lot, you collect them. Moments that the camera wasn’t there, and you are glad, because no camera could have done justice to what you saw, and what you felt.

In Thailand, there was a demon celebration week. They light candles and float them away on the water, praying that their sins of the past year will be forgiven, taken away by the gods.

They also light candles inside of the large, white paper balloons. On the peak night of the holiday, we were coming home from something… the moat around the city was lit by hundreds candles floating on coconut and bamboo “boats”. The black sky was studded with thousands of lights, flickering from inside their balloons, as hopeful believers stood, tears streaming down their faces, praying that their sins were gone with the balloon they had sent into the night.

We took a taxi part way up the mountain and stood looking out over the city. It felt like we were inside our own personal constellation of stars. Painfully beautiful.

Eventually, the candle burns out, and the balloon, loaded with sin comes floating back to earth.
The ONE who took our sins away promises they will never come back to us. They are thrown into the deepest sea. They are NOT going to get washed back up onto shore.

My words don’t do it justice any more than a photo could have. But I am going to hold this moment, and what it means for all who believe in the ONE, and I am going to treasure it in my heart.

GONE NATIVE

2008-12-04T17:24:00.000+08:00

Potty training. It has been sorta off and on for Zoe. She wouldn’t wet her undies when we were at home, but when we were out and about, the squatty potties proved to be just TOO intimidating. Then her baby sister came, and she decided she only wanted to use diapers. We made a great to-do about how, when we got back to China, she was not going to use diapers any more. I guess you could say we went cold turkey.

Imagine my panic a couple of days ago, when we were out on some crazy-busy street, trying to catch a bus, and the child announces… “Mommy, I go potty NOW!” In no uncertain terms.

Right, I think, the closest public squatty is like, 15 minutes away. Awesome. I think she should just wear diapers FOREVER.

So, I say, Okay, I will find a potty honey, just hold it.

“I go potty on ground mommy, like Chinese kids” and she points to the cracked pavement below our feet.

Does my face register the horror I feel in my heart?

But she is right. It might not be MY culture, but it is the culture of where we are choosing to live, and it is not my fault that nobody has

So, we find a struggling patch of grass, and give it a little boost.
Now, she has her favorite spots all over town where she likes to go. My daughter has begun her journey to becoming an American/Chinese.

Little Blue Book

2008-11-19T11:01:00.000+08:00

YAY!!!! Matthew went to the American Consulate yesterday, to see if there was any chance Esther’s passport was ready a week early. AND IT WAS!!! Now our whole family has that very important little blue book, that half the world wished they could have. We are blessed indeed.
Zoe knew that we had to get Esther’s “blue passport book” before we could go home… she has been begging to go home to her China house and her big girl bed. So yesterday was a BIG day when and daddy went to get that book!

This little turn of events means that we get to go home a week earlier than we had expected. First we are going to visit a city in Northern Thailand for a couple days, to meet up with some Americans who are doing a community development project (in a Hani minority village) involving a rubber tree plantation. We are getting involved in such a thing in China (also with the Hani), and want to see how they are doing it here in Thailand. Should be a fun adventure with our two little munchkins. I am excited that we are done waiting, and get to DO something. Neither of us are good at sitting around. We like being BUSY!

Out on an adventure!
The baby, Tova, on the left, was born one week after Esther. She will be going back to Cambodia soon with her two big sister, who Zoe ADORES to play with. We are SO thankful for the friends we have made here.

i am REALLY going to miss you starbucks, and your peaceful chairs, and your sweet taste....

Diaper Heads

2008-11-13T14:44:00.000+08:00

Matthew and I both work full-time. We both have the same occupation. Diaper changers. Yup. Full-time diaper changers. Or diaper heads. Yeah, full-time diaper heads. Z-girl #1 has totally regressed and wears a diaper almost full-time. Z-girl #2 goes through, like, 20 diapers in a 24 hour period. Matthew and I tried to hug each other yesterday at the mall, and all we could smell on the other person was poo and vomit. We are at the point where we can’t tell when we are really smelling it, or when we are imagining it.
This reflections about our current life inspired this piece of art.

I reminded Matthew this morning, that, although it FEELS like we are not doing anything for the kingdom while we are here waiting to go home to China… we are. We are hanging out 24/7 in a discipleship training school. We have two little disciples who don’t know they are yet. And they are learning from us. The good and the bad. So, I guess we are making a difference for eternity. One diaper at a time.

I AM FROM...

2008-11-07T05:19:00.000+08:00

My mother-in-law gave me an assignment last spring, to write a poem about where I am from, what makes me who I am. I did it, but I didn't show anybody :) but being all reflective lately, as I forge ahead into raising two little girls, I kinda wanted to share it! So, here goes!

I am from confidence
Born into destiny
Breathing change
And dancing to a new song

I am from the inside of a splintering wood fence
Safe and free
Inventing stories
Teaching my sister to play

I am from breathless awe
Watching little Hannah join our world
Wanting a brother
And screaming “why 8?”

I am from an army of dishes
Piles of stained, clean diapers
Silent nature hikes
Anticipating a glimpse of pure beauty

I am from a confident “NO!”
Knowing what was wrong
Wishing I were right
More often

I am from almond milk, speckled with brown
Taught to look deeper than most
Believing I could be anything
Wishing I were anyone else

I am from never bored
And deep, exhausted sleep
Woken up to do it right
Crying to be heard

I am from ripe, rich peaches, Mr. Meyers snores
Juicy burgundy grapes
Sticky, dusty toes
Rows of hard work on basement shelves

I am from Yes means Yes
You can trust me
Understand what they are really saying
And bite your tongue

I am from never doubting
Knowing He is real
Insecurities banished
Head held high

I am from a book of ballets
Sneaking Brady bunch
Louisa May Alcott
And a patriot’s heart

I am from tights pink
Fishnets banned
Skirts too short
Hating plaid

I am from a lot of tears
Justified and otherwise
Caught in a bottle
Not one missed
(can you believe it?!)

I am from dying to get away
Dying to be back
Counting my blessings
Almost too late

I am from earth
Dirty and raw
I am from heaven’s heart
Pure and spotless

I am from the side of my bridegroom
As I finally understand
Whole
Loved

I am from obedience
Demanding obedience
Searching for “me”
Inside of HIM

I am from confidence
Birthed out of pain
Raised up with purpose
Chosen to lead

Esther

2008-10-29T17:05:00.000+08:00

Esther Suprea

(Star/Queen) (Beloved)

Our first day at home

Zoe inspected every inch of her baby to make sure that she had two hands, and two eyes.... etc!

Hannah letting Mommy get sleep at the hospital

Baby pictures

2008-10-29T16:41:00.000+08:00

Contractions

2008-10-20T06:21:00.000+08:00

They hurt tonight. I actually can't sleep at all. So... I gotta finish my mango. And some oatmeal. Maybe they will go away, and I can sleep for a while. That would be nice.

I am re-thinking this whole no-drug labor thing. I remember the pain. I don't like pain. Does anyone really? Like, why do they say it is all woman-empowering and whatnot? Wouldn't it be more empowering to not have any pain?

So, can I trust God for a pain free delivery? I am scared. Because if it isn't, I will want to say HE let me down, but in my heart, I will know that is not true. I will know I just wasn't "there" yet, whatever that means.

If you have a great scripture that helped you through childbirth, let me know. I will put it on my ring of cards that Matthew and I use to remind eachother, when we need it, of the REALITY of God's word.
I shall go give some sleep a go.

Biker Babes

2008-10-19T22:16:00.000+08:00

Zoe picked out her own helmet. I am glad it is yellow, and incredibly reflective. Makes me feel better about her riding around on a motorcycle! Ususally I am right behind her, and she is the filling in the oreo cookie. She LOVES it.

Who's in control in Thailand?

2008-10-18T21:12:00.000+08:00

Zoe feeding the demon-rat some food.

39 weeks at a Wat, or Bhuddist temple gate
Daddy's pretty girls

Someone ADORES Daddy

Can you tell I have been playing with photoshop? :)

Two really great things happened yesterday, and they reminded me of the ONE who is watching over us, and His great love. I get so anxious, and I don't know why, because He ALWAYS has our best in mind.

FIRST
We were given 90 visas by the Thai Government. That is WONDERFUL, because they could have made us take an 8 hour bus ride to a border to renew our visas every 30 days. But now, we just get to stay here, worry free, for as long as it takes to have a baby, and get all her papers in order.
SECOND
The American Consulate is closing for 3 weeks, and origionally told us that we would have to wait to even begin the process of applying for our baby's passport and visas until they re-opened. Needless to say, and extra three weeks in this country did NOT sound fun, or budget-friendly. So we prayed and prayed, and a lot of friends prayed, and yesterday we got a call from a girl at the consulate. She told us that they would set up a special appointment for us, as soon as baby comes, and help us expedite all the paperwork, and that we did not have to wait for the consulate to re-open. THANK YOU JESUS!

There are so many other details that I worry about. Or think God may have forgotten. But He hasn't and He won't. And tonight, I will eat my sweet-sticky rice with mangos and coconut milk, and I will thank Him, and I will repent again for not trusting Him, and I will once again repeat my verses for now
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of POWER, and LOVE, and of a SOUND MIND

I sought the LORD and He heard me, and delivered me from ALL my fears

more from China, and a couple Thailand

2008-09-29T12:34:00.000+08:00

This is the taxi we got at the airport in Chiang Mai and it took us to our hotel. Yes, it is a truck with and open back!

This was the fix after the bleach job. i think they are like, black and blue and blond highlites. Different, but a lot better than that first one you can see below! The blue is fading out into brown, parents. so don't worry!

Scary bleach job by the Koreans peeps in China

Our friends Thai foster boy, he is Zoe's age! He is in love with me because i took his picture and let him see it!

Feeding fish with Isaac's family in Thailand

our kitchen

Zoe and her moon festival loot. a balloon, peanuts, a moon cake, and sucker

Our first and only date in China, on the night of the full moon, everyone around us is celebrating the moon festival

Daddy's undies FIT ME!!!

The neighbor baby whom we love to play with. His grandpa usually takes care of him while his parents work!

These monkeys at the zoo in China ride BIKES!

The wonder with which we gaze upon the baby monkeys

And more!

2008-09-07T20:38:00.001+08:00

MY NEW HOUSE!!!!

within 15 minutes of our couches being delivered, Matthew had them fully tested. you can't really tell, but they are a light sage green, and very comfy. The nicest we have ever had!

No one in this village family had ever had their picture taken. Matthew was trying to get them to smile, but they didnt know what to do for the picture! The mother spent about 30 minutes fixing her bangs JUST right. They had BEAUTIFUL smiles and hearts. He is going to take them some prints of these photos when he visits next!

The beautiful mountains. Each one has a forrest at the top, then the village, then below the village, the terraced rice fields.

Some of Matthew's new friends in a village

Zoe's fishies died of a something that ate them alive. it looked like fungus. so they went down the toilet and she thinks it a riot to go potty on her Fishies! Zoe's new friend Analise came and watched movies with us and played while her mommy and daddy celebrated their anniversary! (By the way, that floral pillow is my body pillow, and trust me, it was the ONLY pillow case available in that size)

Our new life

2008-08-12T12:03:00.000+08:00

Imagine the screams of pure joy when Zoe saw this little attraction!

Deborah pushing Zoe on her new car outside the apartment

Our hosts made us the best Chinese dinner EVER Being worshiped while we try to feed koi fish! I think we had 4 different families at a time gathered around us, taking pictures and saying how lovely we were!!!!

slowly fast

2008-07-30T22:06:00.000+08:00

I finally called Dr Homeopath to make an appointment for Zoe. He called me back yesterday morning (Tuesday) and said he could fit me in the next day at 10am. I said "great, Thursday at 10" and he said "no, tomorrow is WEDNESDAY"! I am in such a hurry to get so much done in so little time, I was skipping a day I really needed!
I am so TIRED, but I woke up at 6. What is up with that? I should bust out the earplugs for the next few days. Then every little noise on the road, or in the house shall not bother me.
I'm a bit shaky inside. Because after 4 years of talking about something, it is happening. Some people wait a lifetime for even one of their dreams to come true. Because they don't make it happen, or it wasn't the dream they were supposed to have.
Going to China is one of my dreams come true. I am so glad I don't have to wait any longer. This is a dream we made come true (in some respects) and it is a dream we were meant to dream.

For you, Harm

2008-07-19T22:43:00.001+08:00

The goat, BahBah (Grandpa) and Grammy (can you believe she is calling her that?)

The little store where you buy nectar was closed, so grandpa fished a cup out of the garbage, and faked the birds into landing on him. This was what Zoe wanted to see more than anything else. The birds.

Here's your handsome bother, his lovely wifey, and a small girl with a squinty nose.

I wish you could have been there with your small tribe. We would have felt so cool with our Ergos.